Friday, April 23, 2010

Local homicide detectives baffled in mysterious case of non-murdered man

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy homicide detectives remained baffled yesterday in the case of a local man whose status remained “non-murdered.”

Chief forensic analyst Russell J. Calorie issued a public statement regarding the man, currently known only as “John Doe” and previously codenamed “Moron Santiago,” as officials keep his identity hidden from the public.

“Yep, the guy is definitely alive,” sighed Calorie. “I don’t get it. He appears to be in stable condition.”

Calorie, who was transferred to Quincy’s homicide division from the cast of television's NCIS, after catching the eye of Mayor Thomas Koch, then spent several minutes fumbling with the press conference’s microphone, resulting in a mind-numbing amount of speaker feedback.

Regaining composure, Calorie added that, “We’re doing all we can to monitor the situation. If anyone has any hot leads, please call our tip line at 617-447-7106.”

Calorie, showing up to work with a pilot’s outfit on again.

Quincy Medical Center was reported to have been put on high alert for an indeterminate period of time as crime lab technicians frantically work to connect the dots between this incident and others that have occurred throughout the city.

A recent rash of “non-burglaries” in Squantum, North Quincy, and Merrymount, where unknown persons were entering stores, taking things off the shelves and leaving amounts of money with cashiers have been reported. All cashiers in the targeted stores have been fired and detained by authorities for questioning.

Wanses Boursipuot, a horse of a different feather from parts unknown, expressed dismay upon hearing of these events.

“Things have changed,” remarked Boursipuot. “I used to have faith that you were either murdered or not-murdered, alive or dead. Now, in today’s fast paced world of microwaves and remote controlled boats, I can’t even pick up the morning paper without hearing about some news. It’s a Goddamn shame. It makes you want to just throw it all away. But don’t do it. Remember one thing: never give up.”

Mr. Boursipuot was then immediately arrested for having an unpronounceable last name. He is expected to be sentenced to death by suffocation at 2:00pm tomorrow in the Southern Artery Wendy’s bathroom.

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