The Quincy Scallion: Local homicide detectives baffled in mysterious case of non-murdered man

Friday, April 23, 2010

Local homicide detectives baffled in mysterious case of non-murdered man

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy homicide detectives remained baffled yesterday in the case of a local man whose status remained “non-murdered.”

Chief forensic analyst Russell J. Calorie issued a public statement regarding the man, currently known only as “John Doe” and previously codenamed “Moron Santiago,” as officials keep his identity hidden from the public.

“Yep, the guy is definitely alive,” sighed Calorie. “I don’t get it. He appears to be in stable condition.”

Calorie, who was transferred to Quincy’s homicide division from the cast of television's NCIS, after catching the eye of Mayor Thomas Koch, then spent several minutes fumbling with the press conference’s microphone, resulting in a mind-numbing amount of speaker feedback.

Regaining composure, Calorie added that, “We’re doing all we can to monitor the situation. If anyone has any hot leads, please call our tip line at 617-447-7106.”

Calorie, showing up to work with a pilot’s outfit on again.

Quincy Medical Center was reported to have been put on high alert for an indeterminate period of time as crime lab technicians frantically work to connect the dots between this incident and others that have occurred throughout the city.

A recent rash of “non-burglaries” in Squantum, North Quincy, and Merrymount, where unknown persons were entering stores, taking things off the shelves and leaving amounts of money with cashiers have been reported. All cashiers in the targeted stores have been fired and detained by authorities for questioning.

Wanses Boursipuot, a horse of a different feather from parts unknown, expressed dismay upon hearing of these events.

“Things have changed,” remarked Boursipuot. “I used to have faith that you were either murdered or not-murdered, alive or dead. Now, in today’s fast paced world of microwaves and remote controlled boats, I can’t even pick up the morning paper without hearing about some news. It’s a Goddamn shame. It makes you want to just throw it all away. But don’t do it. Remember one thing: never give up.”

Mr. Boursipuot was then immediately arrested for having an unpronounceable last name. He is expected to be sentenced to death by suffocation at 2:00pm tomorrow in the Southern Artery Wendy’s bathroom.

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Local homicide detectives baffled in mysterious case of non-murdered man

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Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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