City residents lash out as ridiculous hack job is revealed to be exactly what it seems

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Fratelli's Bakery and Quincy City Hall

City Hall is under tight public scrutiny again, this time for using even more taxpayer money to fund ridiculous bullshit, such as the Department of Weights and Measures.

The Department of Weights and Measures, which the official website of the Office of Consumer Affairs & Business Regulation claims "enforces laws, rules, and regulations relating to weights and measures and the use of weighing and measuring devices in commercial transactions," has long since been the dirty little secret of city government, remaining almost entirely unknown until today.

When asked for a clearer explanation of this department's purpose, Mayor Koch merely shrugged his shoulders and continued devouring his meatball salad.

Jonathan P. Brillo, who is listed on the City of Quincy's municipal webpage as "Sealer of Weights and Measures," was unavailable for comment on the matter, however, was spotted by several residents at TJ Maxx, purchasing discount track suits for work, as his job appears to have absolutely no dress code.

"Weights and measures?" asked Joe "Crazy Dipping Sauce" Relievio, a concerned citizen with a $2,000-per-day OxyContin habit. "That seems ridiculous."

Relievio then attempted to back his comment up with a well-educated argument, although fell asleep in the process, falling backwards into oncoming traffic.

Relievio's body was then carelessly tossed aside, where it was then weighed and measured by a city worker for no apparent reason at all.

"He had a good weight to him," remarked Charles Waterbed, who has worked as the Chief Executive Inspector of Occurrences and Happenings at the Department of Weights and Measures for the past nine years. "I've seen better measurements in my days, but you can always put that aside when they have a good weight to them."

Waterbed then went on to explain how he has always favored weights over measures, although realizes that weight is, in itself, a form of measurement.

"There's a lot of things going down these days," Waterbed added. "Me and Brillo have been running this gig for a while now. Weighed a lot of shit. It just seems like things are changing. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. With the right technology, we could weigh the whole city, maybe even the world."


Jonathan P. Brillo, Sealer of Weights and Measures

"I love this job," Waterbed concluded, before driving directly into a team of DPW workers in what appeared to be a mix between a joke gone wrong and a catastrophic failure of his city-issued Toyota Corolla's anti-lock braking system.

But not all Quincy residents seem to share Waterbed's enthusiasm for weights and measures, some of them going as far as to actively speak against them.

"A department that does nothing but look at weighing and measuring equipment?" asked Thomas Brownstone, a car salesman from Adams Shore. "Nah, we don't need that shit. That's a fucking hack job if I've ever heard of one. I don't know about you, but I'm all set with my hard-earned tax dollars going to that shit. Let me guess, these dickheads are getting a paid day off on Monday, too, right? If I ever get my hands on one of them douchebags, I'm gonna hold 'em down to the ground and make 'em weigh my fucking asshole while I shit. Measure that, bitch!"

For more information on weights and measures, call 617-376-1000.