Men's feet in public "still disgusting," study shows

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study performed at Quincy College shows that absolutely everyone is disgusted by having to look at men's feet in public.

The study, which was conducted by a team of highly regarded experts, was supervised by Jesus De La Tango, assistant manager of the Chipotle Mexican Grill in North Quincy, who also provided catering for the event.

Having immediately come to a unanimous decision, the study ended earlier than expected, paving way for an intense game of Parcheesi between all those involved.

Karen Swiftler, a retired veterinarian from Marina Bay, provided fart noises for the event. She recalled the study as being a "ridiculous waste of taxpayer money," as well as "relaxing and somewhat enjoyable."

Chief Excel spreadsheet manager and renowned sandal-wearer, Helium Robbards, was distraught with the results, but vowed to self-fund further studies in the hopes of achieving a different result.

“Frankly, I’m disappointed with the way things turned out,” remarked a visibly shaken Robbards. “The participants said my feet were disgusting and then pelted me with organic Mexican food. It was awful.”

Robbards then casually sulked away into the night, as his gross, open-sore-covered feet struggled to carry his dejected self.

He had learned a valuable lesson. And that lesson was that men, no matter what the circumstances may be, must never wear sandals in public.

Falling somewhere between punching an elderly woman in the face and licking a newborn baby's asshole, a man wearing sandals is one of life's most forbidden acts, causing a wretched impulse to shoot through anyone who bears witness.

Some consider it to be the ultimate sin, others aren't quite so sure.