Thursday, April 15, 2010

Wollaston residents tired of dealing with sad neighbor, unable to tolerate it any longer

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Carla Sandwich lives in a beautiful two story home on Wollaston Hill, where she and her three daughters enjoy going on adventures in their spacious, wooded backyard. At night, they cuddle up and watch movies together, taking turns telling stories about how happy they are. To some, she lives the epitome of the American dream.

In the springtime, Carla and the children hang banners up in support of her husband, a devoted father of three, who has spent the last six years serving overseas.

But what Carla doesn't realize is that absolutely none of it is real.

Since the summer of 2004, when Carla moved to the quiet Wollaston Hill neighborhood, nobody has ever once laid eyes on her children, and not a single branch of the United States armed forces has any record of anyone with the last name Sandwich currently serving with them, whether overseas or on American soil.

The truth is, Carla Sandwich's life is nothing more than a thinly veiled facade.

"My husband loves me very much," Sandwich claimed. "He's in Iraq now, but he sends me letters all the time. He can't wait to see me. He'll be coming home soon."

After speaking with several employees of the Wollaston Post Office, it was determined that no mailman has ever even realized Sandwich's house was there.

"They used to call my husband 'Salami Sandwich' back in high school," Sandwich added. "It was just a joke amongst the schoolboys, but, deep down inside, I think it destroyed him. He always hated salami. I would never make him salami. It would bother him too much. That's why I only make him things that he enjoys, like ham, turkey, and the occasional egg salad. Usually ham, though. He loves ham."

Sandwich then planted her head into her hands and began shrieking loudly.

Neighbors, who have been forced to deal with Sandwich's false sense of reality for over six years now, have finally tossed in the towel, demanding that she be removed from the neighborhood and placed into a mental hospital.

"That lady is such a downer," claimed neighbor Ken Crankman, whose view from the kitchen window is ground zero for Sandwich's never ending campaign of madness. "I'm not dealing with it anymore. I shouldn't have to. It's fucking sick."

Sandwich's neighbors are currently working on a petition to have her committed and are expected to have more than enough signatures by the end of the day.

1 comment:

Neponset River Bridge Dig said...

Lousy bunch of neighbors-all of them!!!