Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
Homosexuals everywhere are enraged by the death of John LeTheefe, who died yesterday morning after his canoe capsized off the coast of Provincetown due to an apparently malicious breaching whale, reports say.
According to authorities, LeTheefe had been boating off Long Point at the outside of Provincetown Harbor with his partner, Michael D'Joker, when the incident occurred.
Both men were said to be longtime fans of The Smiths.
Michael D'Joker is currently being held at the Brigham and Transgender Men's Hospital in Provincetown, where he is being treated for several deep blue bruises.
A spokesman for the US Coast Guard confirmed that they received word that a breaching whale may have caused the canoe to overturn, although stated that dolphins, not whales, were in the vicinity of the canoe around the time of the accident. These discrepancies, combined with the fact that he is obviously hiding something, have caused authorities to begin questioning D'Joker's flimsy account of what actually happened on that otherwise insignificant day.
"Our boat was tipped over by a whale," D'Joker repeatedly told reporters.
But Assistant Harbormaster Luis Ribas, who participated in the rescue, confirmed that it was dolphins that were swimming near the canoe, claiming that expert sonar equipment shows no signs of whales being in that area at all.
"I don't care what the sonar equipment shows," remarked a visibly shaken D'Joker. "All I know is that a fucking whale killed my life partner."
Describing in detail his account of the events, D'Joker told the story of a whale out for vengeance, who, after circling their canoe for over an hour, attacked them in a fit of rage, knocking LeTheefe's body "almost a hundred miles into the air," where it then came crashing down upon the water "with the force of sixteen mako sharks."
"There must be some kind of way out of here," said D'Joker to LeTheefe.
But it was too late, as LeTheefe's drowning body was already pinned underneath the wreckage of their rented canoe, where it was later found by local rescuers.
"This entire incident, as well as the manner in which it was handled, is an outrage," declared Phil Miassup, an outspoken queer from the disgusting section of North Quincy. "If this was a movie, and it was a shark instead of a whale, and John LeTheefe was a heterosexual, people would hunt this thing down and destroy it. Do you see what I mean about being treated unfairly? If every single aspect of this situation was completely altered, it would have been handled so much differently. But, until America is willing to accept us for who we are, mammals of all shapes and sizes, whether by land or sea, will be allowed to act out against us as they please. Good morning, America. Consider this your wake up call."
For more information on this breaking story, keep watching the news.
HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, QUINCY SCALLION!
1 comment:
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