Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Self-employed dishwasher nets $20 on winning scratch ticket

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Don Von Bonco, a 61-year-old self-employed restaurant dishwasher from Merrymount, netted a cool $20 from local business Andre’s Market last night upon scratching a winning lottery ticket.

Von Bonco, who has carried a static expression of neither joy nor mind-numbing depression for his entire life, eased his winnings into his worn leather wallet and stepped out into the hot, summer sun, while store owner and AIDS-infested immigrant Andre clapped loudly.

“He won!” belched Andre, whose last name was withheld due to it not existing. “I asked him if he cared to risk it all for the chance to win bigger prizes, but he didn’t respond. I then gave him the twenty dollar bill and let that caged bird fly free.”

Attempts to interview Von Bonco were met with silence as he roamed carelessly back towards the general vicinity of his home.

Neighbors of Von Bonco seemed to be delighted to hear the news.

“I am delighted to hear this news,” remarked Ron Bocash, who has lived in Von Bonco’s backyard since March of 2009, due to a court order.

“Couldn’t give less of a shit about that guy,” added Jap Pandajap. “He’ll probably spend it all on buttered cheese sandwiches. That’s all I've ever seen him eat.”

It was later revealed that Von Bonco used the money to purchase an extremely used DVD copy of Blade II. It is unknown at this point whether he plans to disclose this information on his 2011 tax records.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Homeless people still not attractive, study shows

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A recent study conducted by a team of experts shows that homeless people are still among Quincy’s least attractive residents.

The study, which was conducted in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, consisted of six highly educated individuals viewing a slide reel of Quincy residents, to which they judged each on a scale of 1-to-10.

As to be expected, homeless people did not fare well in the study.

"What do you want from me?" asked Kelvin Springtime, who oversaw the study from a library computer's webcam. "Homeless people are fucking disgusting."

Springtime was last in the news after several Walmart shoppers confused his infamous "Springtime is here" entrance call with a declaration of a change in seasons, resulting in a most unexpected rise in beach chair sales.

For more information on homeless people, hide from your responsibilities.