Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wollaston home deemed "too awkward looking" by neighbors, ordered to be knocked down by city


Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Wollaston

A Wollaston home has been ordered to be knocked down by city officials due to multiple complaints and at least sixteen car accidents over the past month.

The Sachem Street property, which was designed by Salvador Dali's nephew, Raymond "Ray Ray" Dali, sometime in the early 1970s, has long since been considered a public eyesore in the otherwise aesthetically pleasing neighborhood.

Neal James, a lifelong resident of the area, expressed ambivalence over the appearance of the home, although changed his point of view almost immediately.

"If they don't knock that house down, I'll fucking kill myself," James said.

It was later revealed that James suffers from dissociative personality disorder, a mentally crippling personality disorder defined as a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by depth and variability of moods.

But while some residents were firm in their opinions, others were not.

"I'm not saying it's a good looking house, but who are these city officials that want it knocked down?" asked resident John Clamato. "If you ask me, the place looks like a fucking optical illusion, but I don't wanna go ahead and say it's okay to force someone to destroy their own home. This is kind of a gray area."


Nathan Chimay, a certified real estate agent with an uncertified bachelor’s degree in aerodynamics, argued viciously with the idea of demolishing the home.

“Buildings like this are absolutely necessary,” growled Chimay. “How else are you going to give directions to people regarding this street? If they knock this place down, how are you going to find your own home when stumbling home drunk at four o'clock in the morning? There is no way. A guy like me needs to be able to tell cab drivers to drop me off two houses down from that ugly-as-shit building, right?”

Chimay, who had just minutes before illegally changed his name from Gallivan Toothpaste, continued speaking loudly on the subject, but was largely ignored as a colorful parrot landed on a nearby mailbox, reminding neighborhood residents of their childhoods spent eating Fruit Loops and writing run-on sentences.

4 comments:

Tacky said...

It looks so much worse since they painted it sky blue a few years back, & then never touched it up when the paint started peeling.

Bethany said...

why have I never seen this house? I lived in Wolly for 10 years and took many strolls down Sachem. Hmmm, must have blocked it out or been too busy with my Billy to notice...weird

Beak Wilder said...

Bethany, Tacky can verify that this house has indeed been there for quite some time. You're right, you must have been too busy with Billy to notice.

beccahennessy said...

I couldn't count how many times someone asked me if that was a church.