Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Local woman accuses maniac cat of sexual assault

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local woman has accused area feline, Charles del Guapo, of sexual assault, claiming he made several unwanted advances on her at a fundraiser being held this past weekend at the Sons of Italy Hall on Quarry Street.

This is not the first time del Guapo has been accused of such an act.

In 2001, del Guapo was detained by airport security at TF Green, after a fellow passenger accused him of giving her a number of awkward glances.

In 2004, del Guapo was pulled over by Massachusetts State Police, where he was found with a group of underage girls and several open containers of beer.

And in 2006, del Guapo was fired without compensation from his part-time job at Hollywood Video in Whitman for repeatedly spraying Binaca in his mouth while maintaining a perpetual stare at all women who passed.

While del Guapo has declined to comment on these latest allegations, friends and family claim that he vehemently denies all charges against him.

"Charles is an innocent cat," claimed neighbor, Walter Lou Sunset.

Sunset then went on to explain numerous reasons why del Guapo could not commit such a crime, none of which would ever hold up in a court of law.

While authorities sift through the rubble of accusations set forth against the offbeat feline, detectives are asking anyone who knows the password to del Guapo's impenetrable Hotmail account to please come forward.

Hoping to find something to link del Guapo to these illegal and illicit acts, authorities have stated that they believe his password to be a series of letters, numbers, or a complicated mix of the two, most likely having some sort of personal meaning.

"As of now, it looks like he could walk," remarked Officer Nico Haylen. "It just seems like, no matter what you throw at him, nothing sticks. This cat is slippery smooth."

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