The Quincy Scallion: Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy man was stabbed by two young men as he walked home after midnight from the North Quincy MBTA train station, police are reporting.

At this time, the man's name has not been released, although demographic experts believe he is most likely of Irish or Asian descent.

As reported by more reliable news sources, the man attempted to fight the two culprits off, and was stabbed in the abdomen. The pair then fled towards Hancock Street in the direction of Boston.

Both men were reported to have been wearing Adidas shell toes.

Police responded to the call at approximately 12:30am, to find an unexpectedly bright crime scene, possibly due to the illumination of the Aurora Northquincyalis.

"We found a knife with a three-inch blade on the ground," said Officer Nico Haylen, who made no attempt to hide the fact that he was also wearing Adidas shell toes. "It was covered with blood. But, like I said, it was pretty small. If the perps had a little better taste in knives, the victim would probably be dead right now."

The stabbing took place on the very same street Atlantic Middle School is on, although authorities do not believe this has anything to do with the crime.

In regards to the recent rise in violence in the North Quincy area, reporters reached out to Body Xtremes owner and everyday normal guy, Mik Miller.

Body Xtremes owner Mik Miller, a completely average man-about-town.

"I have no idea why North Quincy is becoming so violent," Miller reported, as he plunged a 14 gauge piercing needle through the nipple of some trashbag whore.

Quincy Police have asked that anyone with information on this recent stabbing please call the detective bureau at 617-745-5764.

For more information on Mik Miller's face, take an entire sheet of acid.

3 comments:

POB McGranite said...: Haha, oh man, the last line....; June 2, 2010 at 4:22 PM
Garnet said...: Garnet says: "Much more entertaining than real news, with a delicious texture of scintillating scarcasm." *licks lips*; June 3, 2010 at 8:50 AM
Shy said...: most likley of irish or asain decent ... HMMMMMMmmmmm lol. shell toes ya say? this pearson must offffff been asain lmfaoooo.; August 4, 2010 at 5:48 AM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

3 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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