Thursday, June 17, 2010

Quincy residents promise absolute chaos after Celtics game, regardless of outcome

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are preparing for what many believe will be a full-scale riot after tonight's Celtics game, regardless of what the outcome of that game may be.

All throughout the Granite City, sports fans and beer drinkers alike have promised absolute chaos to follow what may very well result in the Boston Celtics winning their 18th NBA Finals, a record no team has ever achieved.

But in the game of unnecessary rioting, scores are of little importance.

"It doesn't even matter if the Celtics win," explained Finbar Crothers, an out-of-work dishwasher from Grafton Street. "Either way, this city is gonna explode."

Crothers was last in the news after using an electroshock taser on a newborn baby's face, after becoming too excited during the first quarter of an NBA preseason game. While he was originally expected to serve a lengthy prison sentence for this crime, the baby later invoked his Fifth Amendment rights, refusing to testify in court, leaving prosecutors with nothing to go on but physical evidence.

"The streets will flow with the blood of many," one Celtics fan declared.

This fan was later deemed to be "too cryptic" by all within ear reach, and was escorted just beyond the Quincy border by way of East Milton Square.

"Things like this have only one way of playing out," remarked an anxious Officer Nico Haylen. "If you ask me, chaos is the only true order of things. Tonight could go either way. Maybe I'll blast a drunk in the face with a fistful of quarters. Who knows? Or maybe I'll just fire a beanbag through some college girl's eye, just because I can. I don't really give a fuck if the Celtics win or lose this game. I honestly couldn't care less. Either way, I'm gonna start
poppin' eyeballs out with spoons."

Officer Nico Haylen, distracted by a passing pelican.

There is still no word yet on who will win tonight's game, although experts believe that the Celtics still have a "decent chance" at achieving this goal.

For the most up-to-date information on the NBA Finals, look elsewhere.