Wednesday, June 9, 2010

World Cup fever reaches dizzying lows in City of Presidents, shows record-breaking disinterest

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The 2010 FIFA World Cup, a sporting event of some sort, which is held every few years, managed to disinterest a record number or Quincy residents this year.

The contest, being held in South Africa, involves grown men effeminately kicking a ball around while keeping their hands and arms glued firmly to their sides.

Waulrice Numblord, a 40-year-old garbage collector from Finagle-A-Bagel, remarked, “I just beat my wife into a coma.” The statement shocked his coworkers with it’s stunning lack of World Cup relatedness.

Numblord was arrested shortly after, although charges were later dropped, as he recanted his previous statement, giving authorities nothing to go on.

"A criminal trial without a confession is about as exciting as a game of soccer," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose ongoing battle with diabetes has been both crippling and hilarious. "I couldn't name one soccer player ever, nevermind one from today. If you ask me, soccer isn't even real. It's all just smoke and mirrors."

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