Witnesses claim local man takes things "too far"

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Prince Patrick Bourbon

Local man, “Average” Joe Muscles, took things too far recently with a public display that included flexing his biceps, twirling in a circle for two hours, and instigating a session where he waterboard tortured himself using techniques obtained from a used copy of a CIA handbook.

Claiming to get more than 95% of his dietary nutrition from the new Grilled Cheese Burger Melt at Friendly’s, Muscles began screaming obscenities at a nearby pigeon, before reminding all within earshot that he was “large and in charge.”

While witnesses to the bizarre spectacle were baffled by what they saw, all feverently agreed on Muscles' overall assessment of his body.

"I'd let that guy be in charge of me," admitted Shalburt Milkseed, a painfully neurotic delivery man from Montclair. "A man like that demands respect. If this doesn't make you wanna go out and grab a Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, I don't know what does."


The infamous Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, which has already claimed three lives.

Goron Manticore, regional supervisor at the box factory that currently employs Muscles, responded to the wild scene by eating two full boxes of saltine crackers and doing a series of subpar Ferris Bueller impersonations.

“Life moves fast, eh?” gasped Manticore, as his dehydrated windpipe slowly collapsed. “If you do not pause to take look around, you could miss it.”

Manticore was found dead just hours later underneath the floorboards of his Atlantic Street bungalow. At this time, there are no services planned, as friends and family have all agreed to mourn privately in the comfort of their own homes.