Friday, June 11, 2010

Mayor Koch proposes over $40 billion budget cuts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Mayor Thomas Koch's face

Mayor Thomas Koch has proposed over $40 billion in budget cuts for next year, which would be more than enough to put the city back in the green.

The only problem is, Quincy doesn't have anywhere near that budget.

In fact, the budget for July 1st, 2009 to June 30th, 2010 was just over $226 million, leaving quite an unexplainable gap between what the mayor is proposing and what he can actually deliver. But it's politics as usual in the City of Presidents.

From budget cuts to layoffs, it seems there's no good news for Quincy Public Schools. And it appears it may be getting a whole lot worse before it gets better.

But with a man like Tommy Taxes in charge, there's no need to fear. And as long as there's still jobs and supplies, there will always be something to remove, especially if it's something unnecessary, like deans or librarians. Who needs librarians when we can just look everything up on Google?

"We're facing a financial crisis," Koch told reporters. "What I'm suggesting is that we just chisel away at the outer edges until it all works out."

But what if one of the students decides they want to learn how to read?

"Reading is an excellent way to gather information," Koch admitted. "But it's no longer a top priority. With the amount of texting these kids do, it's hard to imagine anybody needing a librarian. We need to remove whatever we can to stay afloat. We're just gonna pluck a little off the top and see what happens from there. This seems bad on the surface, but it will all unravel quite smoothly in the post-production."

It is uncertain at this time whether the mayor thinks he is filming a movie.

"If Mayor Koch gets his way, the entire school department will be eradicated," one resident said. "He thinks it's a game. He's running this city like it was a fucking lemonade stand. Somebody needs to do something before it's too late."

For more information on where Koch is taking us, move to Bridgewater.

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