Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Dennis Quaid is in the hot seat again after an all-night stripper party ended at Club 58 with a slew of misdemeanors and an alleged assault on an underage girl.
The girl, who asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, is Pamela Campervan, a 16-year-old junior at Quincy High School, who claimed she used a fake driver's license to get past the otherwise impenetrable fortress of the nightclub's front door. An act that club owner John Tonic finds astonishing.
Campervan has been said by friends and teachers to appear at least twenty.
Police responded to a disturbance call this morning, at approximately 1:30am, where they found an inebriated and uncommonly slithery Quaid, surrounded by girls.
As reported, the nightclub had been reserved for a personal party for Quaid.
Upon first glance, responding Officer Nico Haylen knew that something was off about the scene, prompting him to draw his weapon and unload upon the crowd.
"I could tell something was awry," Haylen told reporters. "Partly because the young girl looked familiar, but mostly because of the guilty look on Quaid's face."
It should also be noted that Haylen had been accused of having an affair with the very same girl last summer, although she later refused to testify, shortly after receiving a brand new 2008 Audi RS4 from an anonymous donor.
After backup arrived, both Quaid and Campervan were taken into custody, where Campervan told authorities the actor had attempted to tear her breasts off.
On top of over a dozen smaller charges, Quaid was then placed under arrest for assault on a minor, to which he would only admit to "tweaking her nipples."
Quaid, explaining away the nipple tweaking fiasco during Friday morning arraignment.
"I honestly had no idea how old she was," Quaid pleaded. "I had no idea how old any of them were. They were all so soft, and everything was just fuzzy."
While Judge Naples E. Maples of the Quincy District Court is given time to sift through over three pages of eyewitness accounts, Quaid's wife is expected to file for divorce, where she will most likely take the celebrity for everything he is worth.
"This isn't the last we'll hear from Quaid," said Craig Billings, a local black.
Billings then swallowed several handfuls of high potency painkillers and proceeded to make pointless observations about the rising divorce rates in the South Shore.
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