Thursday, June 10, 2010

Bridgewater's financial crisis makes Quincy residents feel better about themselves

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

All across Bridgewater, residents and city workers alike are taking drastic measures to survive, as services and supplies continue to diminish.

With a public library that is open a measly 14 hours a week, and a fire department that is in danger of having to close down one of it's substations, it appears that Lady Luck just hasn't quite made her way down that far on Route 24.

But not everybody finds this news as hilarious as we do.

Take Sandy Narco, vice chairwoman of the Bridgewater Public Library, for example. Due to budget cuts, she now has to clean the shit off the library's toilets.

Don Larue and Sonny Thaves, both members of the town's Highway Department, now have to patch all 185 miles of Bridgewater’s roadways. Before the budget cuts, all they had to do was sit on YouTube all day and make money.

Mike Hearst, an English teacher at Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School, has over thirty students in his ninth-grade class. Almost twice what he should.

And John Fingerton, who was once a high-ranking Bridgewater selectman, now spends his days giving people "ten fingers" to the second level of the Town Hall, as the decrease in funding became so bad that they couldn't even afford stairs.

"Go ahead and laugh at me," Fingerton said. "Get a good chuckle out of it."

John Fingerton, walking away from reporters with an unattended corn cob pipe.

Hearing of Bridgewater's misfortune, Quincy residents then decided to hold an all-night rager, hosted by local legends DJ Silent Partner and Stenny.

"Knowing that other people have it far worse than I do really helps to take the edge off," Silent Partner said, as he lit three Marlboro cigarettes with a flaming $2 bill. "The people of Bridgewater need to stop having sex with cows and start learning how to live like a civilized society. For them, this is a serious wake-up call. For us, it's an excuse to party. I think it's safe to say that we won this round."

Excusing himself to play a Biz Markie classic, Silent Partner began closing the party down in style. "This next song goes out to Bridgewater," he declared, as he ended the night with his own remix of Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

Listen: DJ Silent Partner (MySpace)


Silly P said...

3 marlboro lights with a two dollar bill!

Looks like I won't be booking that coveted Bridgewater State gig this fall....

Is this part of the QuinzeeePaloooooza investigative series?

If so can we get a piece on why ex-pill heads lose all inflection and intonation in there voices?

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