The Quincy Scallion: Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

Friday, May 7, 2010

Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Level 3 sex offender was found roaming the clearance aisle of the Marshalls on Newport Avenue yesterday afternoon, authorities have reported.

Quincy Police detectives responded to the department store at approximately 3:30pm, where they apprehended convicted rapist Ricky Peppers, a 29-year-old waste of life from the undisputed rectum of Plymouth County.

According to the police report, Peppers was in violation of his parole.

As told by his case worker, Peppers is forbidden to go within a hundred feet of any clearance aisle, as he becomes "too aroused by the amazing bargains."

In accordance with Massachusetts state law, Peppers will be sent to the Linden House in Whitman, where he will have the chance to live rent-free until he decides to rape again. He is currently being held at an undisclosed location in Quincy while authorities can carry out the long and complicated extradition process required to transfer him across county lines.

Always available for comment was local black, Glenroyal Smoothshave.

"White people is crazy," remarked Smoothshave, in his signature blend of anger, spite and ethnicity. "Why do they always have to offend women sexually? A black man might offend a woman on a CD, or even in a movie, but never sexually."

It was later revealed that black people have offended women sexually on numerous occasions, often times ending with the birth of an unwanted mulatto child.

Glenroyal Smoothshave, telling it how it is to an overwhelmed cameraman.

"Why do white people always have to rape?" Smoothshave added. "Why don't they just go to Club 58 and pick up a stupid bitch with low self esteem? It ain't like it's hard. Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment, and let it all ride out from there. I ain't sayin' I done it, but what if I had? This shit ain't even about me, motherfucker!"

For more information on local rapists, check out the Mass Sex Offender Registry.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...: Offend women sexually, now that's a hard ass lyric; May 9, 2010 at 2:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Where's club 58?; May 10, 2010 at 9:31 AM
Beakey said...: Club 58 is the former Shooters bar on 58 Ross Way in Quincy Center.; May 10, 2010 at 9:34 AM
Shy said...: "Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment" this guy is a funny motherfucker lol. spoken like a genious smoothshave lmfaooe; August 4, 2010 at 5:59 AM
Unknown said...: Thanks for the information about the House clearance wakefield...; December 5, 2011 at 1:32 AM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

5 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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