Monday, May 3, 2010

Boston water ban causes local man to call it quits

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A ruptured water main in Weston has rendered tap water undrinkable for nearly a third of Boston's residents and some of it's suburbs, affecting water service to nearly two million people in thirty cities and towns.

Among those affected is Sal O'Day, a Germantown man who found himself in complete denial over the situation, refusing to make any changes to his daily habits.

O'Day, who
lives in the basement level of his mother's Section 8 housing complex on Figurehead Lane, was last in the news after several failed attempts at picking up girls resulted in a 90-day stretch at the Dedham House of Corrections.

Figurehead Lane was named after "The Figurehead," a Cure song from the 1982 album, Pornography, a fan favorite amongst Germantown natives.

"I don't wanna hear it," said O'Day, as he chugged a tall glass of ice cold tap water, unaware of the intense bowel movements to come. "All this talk about water bans is nothing more than pure filler. In my eyes, it's time to stand up and tell these so-called newscasters to think again, because all they're doing is cashing in on some bullshit story and there is absolutely no reason for it."

The broken water main in Weston, Mass., which limited water supply to Boston.

Going on to explain how he has always felt out of step with the world, aside from Germantown and certain areas of Quincy Center, O'Day then began to take on the deep maroon shade of a ripened boysenberry.

"Someday," O'Day cryptically added. "We'll look back and laugh."

O'Day was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced "not covered" by a handful of insurance companies he claimed to be covered by.

O'Day was then shipped back to Germantown, where local, "no-questions-asked" surgeons attempted a number of controversial procedures on him, ranging from late 19th century bloodlettings to a complex series of steam experiments.

"I'm calling it quits," O'Day told reporters later that evening.

O'Day then stared out the window of his basement level bedroom and watched as countless Adidas shell toes passed, each of them belonging to yet another Quincy resident who remained unaware of the severity of the situation at hand.

"Maybe there is some truth to this story," O'Day concluded, as he plucked another mushroom from his forehead. "Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've ever heard."

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