Quincy Fire Department still up to same old antics

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Quincy Fire Department is under tight scrutiny again after more of their antics have been made public by media sources throughout the city.

Thousands of residents have called for the immediate resignation of over a dozen Quincy firefighters, demanding that City Hall take action against a department that is so out of control, some are referring to it as "the Wild West."

Most recently, the department was accused of hosing down Grafton Street resident, Cheryl Dumpa, an unemployed mother of seven.

Dumpa claims that an unmarked fire truck had pulled alongside her this past weekend and began hosing her down with a high-pressure fire hose, all while firefighters watched and heckled her from inside the truck.

Dumpa, who has a history of suing everybody, has threatened to file suit against the department, although is expected to settle out of court for cash.

Charles DuMarr, a "between jobs right now" kinda guy from Wollaston, dialed 9-1-1 last Tuesday to report a suspicious fire in the vacant lot behind his home. When no fire trucks responded, police officers found all on-duty firemen drinking in the woods behind McCormick baseball field.

“We saw at least 30-40 firemen dwelling around in the woods,” recalled Officer Timothy Shoegoo. “When we saw the words ‘no fate’ carved into a nearby picnic table, we knew exactly what was going on. They were reenacting scenes from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, yet again. I tell you, every spring this happens.”

Disciplinary action is being sought against firemen Walter Kocheck, Hu Jalopy, Carlos Santana, and Michael Fornier. With Fornier also being charged with conduct unbecoming of a city official after repeatedly screaming “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle,” while completely naked.

Michael Fornier, making a giant spectacle after being told to put his clothes back on.

"These guys think they can run around and do whatever they please," commented Jake Jowels, a retired train conductor from Hough's Neck. "Aside from the obvious, name one thing a fireman has ever done for anybody. I don't care how many fires they put out, that's their fucking job. You don't see people praising me for all the hard days of work I had when I was out there conducting trains. Talk about a thankless job. I still have nightmares to this day. All these firemen do is stir up bullshit."

But as more and more bullshit gets stirred up, who will pay the price?

Just last summer, after nearly six weeks without negative publicity, two Quincy Fire Department trucks were spotted outside of Nick's Pizza on Southern Artery, illegally parked next to a fire hydrant.

"We're on lunch," one fireman said, when asked why they had parked there. "Why don't you go play with a book of matches or something."

The illegally parked fire trucks, which have yet to be explained.

Allegations of negligence and corruption continue to be made by countless residents. Representatives of the department, however, have consistently refused to make any official comment, as grooming Dalmatians and comparing recipes for 3-alarm chili appear to be more of a priority than appeasing citizens.

"This the same shit that's been going on since the beginning of time," remarked amateur historian Albert Cheeks. "The fire department is an army built to do as they please, and that's exactly what we have allowed them to do for thousands of years."

Chief of Fire (CoF) Noddy McCaulkin has announced that all allegations against his department will be looked into by a highly trained team of Internal Affairs officers, after they wake up from a weekend-long bender that began at an illegal Chinatown strip club and ended on the roof of Kennedy’s Carpet Cleaners.