Friday, March 26, 2010

Broken-down privileged bitch waits over thirty minutes for tow, demands answers


Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Gas up your tow trucks, keep your phone lines open, and clear the roads, because when Tina Driscoll's car breaks down, it's everybody's problem.

Breaking down on Adams Street early yesterday afternoon, Driscoll made a call to Blue Hills Towing, of West Quincy, demanding prompt and professional service.

An only child, Driscoll is no stranger to expecting things on time or early.

From the lighting in Baxter's Pharmacy to the temperature in the National Amusements theatre in Randolph, almost nothing seems to go Driscoll's way, often times ending with a long list of verbal and written complaints, which almost always go ignored.

Driscoll, a former runner-up for Quincy High School's Class of '93 prom queen, currently works as an assistant manager at the Dress Barn on Granite Street.

But as the minutes passed on, nobody came, leaving Driscoll with nothing to do but sit on the front bumper of her 1996 Ford Mustang and call friends to complain.

After approximately 35 minutes, tow truck driver Jared Armstrong arrived, ready and willing to assist Driscoll in all of her roadside needs.

Armstrong was last in the news after a Gorilla Biscuits t-shirt caused several Wollaston youths to mistake him for a woman, ending in one of the most awkward rape scenes this city has ever seen.

"That's a fucking decent breakdown," remarked Armstrong, who then got Driscoll's vehicle started with a set of jumper cables and a side dish of elbow grease.

Starting her impressive 3.8 liter engine and darting down Adams Street at the daring speed of 46 miles-per-hour, Driscoll casually flipped Armstrong off, angered by his inability to provide her the sense of self-worth she has sought after for so long.

As for what the future holds for Tina Driscoll, no one can be sure.

We can only assume that she will spend the entire weekend in dirtbag bars, dancing with boys who are barely of age, wasting all of her money on mixed shots with clever names, high stakes, and dangerous consequences.

3 comments:

lenny the doosh said...

Where's the "Great One Killer" when you need em'?

Anonymous said...

As goes Driscoll, so go our own inflated pre-pubescent expectations...

Beakeysdad said...

Ed's girlfriend Diane is a rich girl from California wine country. Sometimes she's stuck up and sometimes she's not stuck up. For Example: the highlight of her trip was breakfast at the Wheelhouse Diner. That's why I reported it to you.