Friday, March 12, 2010

Beaten man vows to get appearance back by summer, loses all feeling in right arm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Christopher Plastic, an out-of-work dental assistant from Hough's Neck, may be broken, but is far from defeated, his family says.

Plastic, who was beaten within an inch of his life outside of the Hofbrau yesterday evening, shows very little signs of surviving the incident, although promised his friends and family that he would be back in full swing by summer.

"Christopher is a very strong-willed man," said Irene Jefferson, a volunteer worker at Quincy Medical Center, who has been teaching Plastic to breathe on his own again. "But physically, he is very weak, even before the beating. The doctors say that it's only a matter of days, but he seems determined to hold on longer."

Jefferson then applied a small layer of topical ointment to Plastic's right eye, to which he instantly recoiled, letting out an ear-shattering scream that could be heard throughout the entire hospital floor.

According to doctors, Plastic will never regain feeling in his right arm.

He will undergo major operations on his left arm and both of his legs throughout the weekend, although the outcome of these are uncertain at this time.

While doctors show very little hope for Plastic, he remains optimistic, even going as far as to renew his season ticket holder status at Fenway Park.

"If I had to guess, he'll probably die," his mother told reporters. "But the hope inside him will live on. Even with the odds against him, he has yet to give up that hope. He told me this morning that he would take me to the Chantey in Marina Bay for my birthday, which is in August. I know it's probably just bullshit, but, being a Leo, it was good to see that he was still thinking of me."


Darth Vader said...

Is this a real pic? I want to go the hospital and pop his eye with a fork.

Stromby said...

so those round shiny christmas ornaments are actually tumors that grow outta this guys right eye.