King Latifah finds himself in heapload of trouble

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

King Latifah, who, contrary to public opinion, is in no way related to Wil Wheaton, found himself in all kinds of hot water yesterday, as his routine lunch order caused a commotion in the Brigham's restaurant in Wollaston.

Latifah, a local man-about-town, descended upon Brigham’s at approximately 1:00pm, with the single-mindedness of a spider hunting whatever it is a spider might hunt: possibly a fly, or maybe something else.

Upon entering the establishment, he farted loudly, startling elderly customer, Alf Nelson, into a near-fatal heart attack. Nelson, 98, of Willow Road, was then brought via golf cart to the Hancock Cemetery, where his still-living body was dumped crudely into a freshly dug grave.

"One meatball salad," Latifah ordered, according to three eyewitness accounts.

Upon hearing this order, assistant manager Speed Bruckman decided to get involved, partially due to the fact that he had recently made a promise to himself to refine his overbearingly subpar managerial skills, but mostly because he was the only employee working at the time.

"I had no idea what this so-called King Latifah was talking about," Bruckman claimed, as he made no effort to hide the fact that he was soothing an exposed boil with a medicated towelette. "I told him that I had never heard of a meatball salad, and demanded that he explain himself. He looked me cold dead in the eye for about six minutes and then finally explained to me that it was just like a regular salad, but, instead of the lettuce, it was meatballs. There was nothing left to do. Without saying a word, I just turned around and ran. And I never looked back."

It was later revealed that Bruckman did, in fact, look back several times.

Upon further examination of security footage, Latifah can be seen pacing nervously around in circles before using a series of dramatic hand gestures to signify his hunger for a meatball salad.

Tensions escalated to a frightening level, when, after several hours of being denied the alleged food combination, Latifah was informed by way of cellular phone that he was fired from his job at the Smoke Shop for failing to return from lunch.

Sitting calmly at a booth to collect his thoughts, King Latifah was reported to have drifted into a state of mental retardation as the sounds of The J. Geils Band’s “Centerfold” blared at an ear-shattering volume from the restaurant's newly installed Bose stereo system.

Latifah is rumored to still be at Brigham’s, demanding with a now-hoarse voice to talk to whomever is in charge, and reputedly very upset at the lack of meatball salads being served to him.

“It’s just a Goddamn salad!” he was overheard screaming, as he flailed his arms about the establishment. “Except, instead of lettuce...meatballs!”

Author's Note: It was brought to the attention of me and Brunk Edwards that The Onion has already used the name King Latifah. This is Jimmy Flynn's fault.