Monday, February 22, 2010

Quincy girl found dead seven days after using cursed white lighter, still no word from Bic

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy girl was found dead in her Atlantic Street home yesterday evening, just seven days after using a cursed white Bic lighter.

Alison Loadman, 16, was found by her mother while in the middle of an Adderall-induced cleaning spell, and was said to have displayed severe signs of trauma.

Loadman, who was just cast in the lead role of North Side Story, a North Quincy High School play based on the recent shooting on Hunt Street, will be remembered by many in her school as being "really nice," and will be mourned for quite some time.

As reported by friends, Loadman had used a white Bic lighter only seven days prior to her death, and had begun to experience strange occurrences ever since.

"She was always really nice to me," claimed Gerthy Wonderspoon, an unfortunately named sophomore at Loadman's school. "But she seemed really out of sorts this past week. It was as if she knew something bad was going to happen."

Arriving on the scene a mere three hours late, police pronounced Loadman dead immediately, where she was then taken to the Lydon Funeral Home in Wollaston to be burned, as her body was declared "too disturbing" to look at.

Although foul play cannot be denied, authorities have stated that no arrests are expected to be made, as cases involving white Bic lighters are usually "far too complex" to handle, often times ending with almost everyone confused.

Alison Loadman's parents asked that this photograph not be used in today's article.

"She knew that death was coming for her," Wonderspoon cryptically added. "After she used that white Bic, things started to change. She started seeing things. Bad things. The kind of things that make you hide in the closet, only to be found later that night, all twisted and disfigured, with your eyes bulging out of the sockets like you just got squished in a vice."

Since the beginning of time, the "Curse of the White Bic" has plagued the minds of Quincy residents, causing some of them to lose their sanity altogether.

But these mythical stories of cursed Bic lighters are not the only pieces of folklore in the City of Presidents, as many other tales of spells and hexes have long since built up a backstory of occult happenings and mysterious incidents.

One of the more predominant legends in the area is the "Curse of the Black Family in Squantum," which, as legend states, involves a string of bad luck whenever there is more than one black resident at a time in that particular area of Quincy.

This, of course, has only come into effect one time, when the Carters, a black family from North Philadelphia, moved to the Squantum peninsula in 1976, causing the New England Patriots to lose the playoffs that year to the Oakland Raiders.

Darnell, Eunice, and Shé-Rhonda "Pooh Bear" Carter, before being run out of Squantum.

"It was only the second time the Patriots had ever made it that far," explained Bob Billingsworth, a wiry individual from Hospital Hill. "And we lost it all because of that one black family. I don't know how many times we have to go over this, a black family cannot live in Squantum. It upsets the balance of things. It causes hysteria. It's just not the way things go around here. It angers the gods."

It remains unclear at this time as to what gods Billingsworth was referring to.

Having been forced out of Squantum with pitchforks and torches, the Carters were said to have started a new life in the melting pot of West Quincy, where breadwinner Darnell Carter was eventually hired as a shop foreman at South Shore Bearing, only to be murdered during a routine mugging only a week later outside the Donut King on Copeland Avenue.

On the peninsula, the Carters were replaced almost immediately by the Hearn family, whose middle son, Jacia, wasted no time introducing the small, tighty-knit community to the Clash, changing the face of Squantum forever.

So far, the Bic Corporation has made no attempt to comment on this story.

Each day, hundreds of Bic lighters are purchased in the city of Quincy, a large percent of them being white. It is estimated that at least seventy-five percent of these are, at one point, used within the city limits. Unfortunately, there is no way to determine exactly how many deaths have been caused by these lighters, although experts assume this number to be in the double digits.


Anonymous said...

I dont think I could have created a more ignorant story if i tried...

Beak Wilder said...

You should at least give it a try.