Friday, February 12, 2010

Canadian jokester spotted in outskirts of West Quincy, hundreds of residents on edge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Guy LeCumbre, a self-proclaimed "barrel of laughs" from Downtown Ottawa, was spotted in the outskirts of West Quincy yesterday evening, causing many residents of the area to break into an immediate state of mind-bending panic.

Canada, who, over the years, has given us a handful of entertainers, such as Leonard Cohen, John Candy, and, to a much lesser extent, the band Grade, has long since been a fairly problem-free neighbor of the United States.

Sporting a motorcycle helmet and closely trimmed beard, LeCumbre slithered through the city streets, making all those he came in contact with anxious and confused. Darting from sidewalk to sidewalk, LeCumbre bounced awkwardly throughout the otherwise peaceful neighborhood like a renegade pinball with no place to call home.

"I think it's fucking sick," said Sally Spoons, a lifelong Quincy native and die-hard xenophobe. "Canadian people don't belong in this city. Quincy is bad enough as it is, we don't need any free-thinking, denim-clad hockey fans running around, stirring up trouble and infecting the minds of our youth. I'm all set with that shit."

LeCumbre was last seen ice skating at Shea Rink on Willard Street, where his signature Senators jersey was said to have numerous mustard stains.

"Get him the fuck outta here," demanded Heather Wilder, a Whitman resident whose interests in Quincy are, at this time, unknown. "I don't care if you have to send him off in a train, dump him in the backseat of a cab, or physically put him in the desert on a horse with no name, but people like him don't belong in these parts. People like Guy LeCumbre are fuckin' creeps. If we start letting Canadians into Quincy, the next thing you know, this whole city is gonna be filled with Asians. And I don't think I need to tell you what'll happen in that case, but I got two words for ya: kung fuckin' fu."

It was later revealed that Quincy is, in fact, already filled with Asians.

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