Emo kid declared "too ridiculous looking" for most residents to bear, escorted to South Station

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

John Ferndale, a South Quincy resident who was deemed "too ridiculous looking" for residents to bear, was escorted out of Quincy yesterday afternoon and left at South Station with twenty dollars to start over and find a new life somewhere else.

Ferndale, who is known as "Johnny Sadheart" to his friends, has long since had a reputation of being a downer to all those who come into contact with him.

"I can't allow a kid to walk around looking like that," said Matty Southside, a devoted protector of the South Quincy community. "Don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of freethinking. I honestly do. But you don’t need to walk around, day after day, thinking so freely with every single thought you have. Just live your life and keep an open mind, that’s all. You don’t have to be wicked annoying about it."

Alerting authorities to the growing problem of Ferndale's attire, residents of South Quincy closed their doors and prepared for the worst.

"I got a call just after my lunch break about some kid walking around with mismatched sneakers," said Officer Nico Haylen. "I can handle a lot of shit---in my profession, you have no choice---but that's where I draw the line. This kid might not have been breaking any laws, but he was certainly breaking my personal code of ethics. I don't care how many AFI albums you have, there's really no reason that a man should ever paint his fingernails. And I don't care how overboard this seems, but, anybody I see who's over the age of eighteen with a tongue piercing is getting shot. I don't give a fuck how much paperwork I have to fill out."

Haylen then casually took thirty-seven steps backwards and began an interpretive dance number to absolutely no music.

While most in the area were amazed by his techniques, others pointed out the fact that he almost never does any actual police work.

After being escorted out of Quincy by way of a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, Ferndale was given twenty dollars to start a new life with, although it is expected that he will put the money aside for the upcoming My Chemical Romance CD.

"What a disgusting way to be," Southside added. "That kid should be ashamed of himself. No wonder why these people cut themselves."