Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mayor Koch to approve torpedo attack on Weymouth, destruction of Fore River Bridge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

In what is being called the boldest move of his career, Mayor Thomas Koch is expected to approve a torpedo attack on Weymouth, destroying the Fore River Bridge, thus making it virtually impossible to travel between the two cities.

Weymouth, which is known for it's inability to entertain mankind for more than twelve seconds, as well as being a giant obstacle for Whitman and Abington kids traveling north, has long since been the shame of the South Shore.

Liza Stufart, a domestic engineer and mother of one from Whitman, who is so insanely stubborn that she has actually convinced her sick, demented mind that Weymouth isn't even part of the South Shore, agrees with Mayor Koch's decision, stating that the destruction of the Fore River Bridge will not only make Quincy better, but may bring new businesses to the area, as well.

"There is no legitimate reason why anyone from Weymouth should ever cross the Quincy border," Stufart commented, as she casually reenacted the final act of Brian De Palma's Scarface. "Once Quincy takes out the Fore River Bridge, the only thing they'll need is a porn store. After that, it's all gravy."

Stufart then proceeded to throw a series of wild, yet well-placed spin kicks and haymakers at anyone who she declared as having a "Weymouth face," which, according to experts, is a face that looks so much like Weymouth, that there is absolutely no way of mistaking where the owner of said face hails from.

Stufart was detained shortly after, however, as her nonsensical ramblings and maniacal movements were decided to be "just a little overboard," as the mayor pulled up in his city-issued Hummer H1 to present a framed declaration of war to Weymouth spokeswoman, Carla McFang. Stufart was brought to the Quincy Police Department, where she was frisked extensively and beaten within an inch of her life.

Mayor Koch with Carla McFang, who mistakenly thought she was accepting an award.

Mistaking the mayor's declaration of war for an award, McFang then posed with the framed statement for what she took to be a chance photo op. This, of course, did very little to ease the shame that all Weymouth residents must deal with, causing many in the inferior city to begin rethinking McFang's role as spokeswoman.

"McFang is a fucking whorebag," remarked Neal Diamondz, a man who has lived on both sides of the bridge, no matter how fucked up that may seem. "Anyone that gets one-upped by Mayor Koch is a fucking idiot. I've done a lot of shameful things in my life---believe me---but living in Weymouth is the worst of them, by far."

Parading the giant torpedo through the Fore River Shipyard, dozens of spectators were able to stare at the great weapon, each with the dazed and puzzled stare of a girl who has just been told that she had a load dumped inside her.

"He who dares!" the mayor exclaimed, as his signature hairdo majestically whipped and tousled under the massive gust of an out-of-view industrial strength fan. "Tomorrow, our great city shall attack Weymouth by means of a single torpedo. We will do so by destroying the Fore River Bridge, making it so the only way for Weymouth to penetrate the Quincy barrier will be Route 53, which is notoriously slow-moving, as well as frustrating on the soul. On the last day of 2009, I shall launch my torpedo into the heart of that bridge, and I shall watch as it crumbles before me. I offer Weymouth no more notice than that, and ask that all residents refrain from attempting to stay in our city, as we most definitely will find you. No single Weymouth resident has ever successfully been able to pull off blending in with a crowd of Quincy people. Maybe it's the hypodermic needles hanging out of their neck, or maybe it's the Nightstick t-shirt that they're wearing, but, either way, we can always tell. I honestly don't give a fuck if you can't get to Boston without that bridge. If you need to go shopping, go to the Independence Mall. And if you have a problem with that, you can suck the meatlover's pizza out of my swollen, red ass."

The torpedo, made by Bluefin Robotics, on display at the Fore River Shipyard earlier this morning.

"He who dares!" the mayor repeated, before disappearing into a cloud of smoke and glitter, as the Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" blasted through the shipyard's Bose speaker system at an ear-shattering volume.

It is still unclear as to what time, exactly, the mayor is expected to destroy the Fore River Bridge, although bomb specialists and bridge disaster analysts all agree that an attack at exactly "high noon" would be most likely, as the mayor's love for classic westerns is no secret at all.


paul the pirate (Yar!) said...

The other AUV (torpedo) that Bluefin has had a big sticker on it that said "ride the poop torpedo - 10 cents." I guess they sold that one to Sue Kay.

Beak Wilder said...

For those of you who are not aware of who Sue Kay is, peep this shit:

Lisa said...

tommy says that quincy is part of greater boston.

not the south shore.

Beak Wilder said...

Tommy works with his hands, Lisa. Not his mind.

MillBilly said...

Is there some kinda cockpit in that torpedo? There's a person on it, but no feet on the ground below. Is the Mayor going to pull a Slim Pikens from Dr Strangelove?

Beak Wilder said...

Holy shit, I didn't notice that!