Thursday, December 31, 2009

Mayor hires Russian Space Agency to deter band’s tour from hitting Quincy


Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Ma
yor Koch, fresh off his acquittal in a headline-grabbing lawsuit against his office in the overuse of the term “lock box," has inked a contract with the head of the Russian Space Agency, Anatoly Perminov, to prevent a tour by the band Harvey Danger from hitting Quincy.

Perminov was flown into the Granite City last night on a red-eye flight from Moscow.


Perminov, waking up from a 7-year bender to blow shit up.

The Russian Space Agency, or “Spaceworld Agency Used by the Former Soviet Union to Conduct Matters Regarding Space” for short, had discovered that, if left to its own devices, the tour by the band Harvey Danger would pass through the city of Quincy at approximately 9:01PM, on Friday, November 12th, 2010.

The tour, first announced in 1998, when the band had some sort of sway in the music world, was originally predicted to have only a 1-in-10-million chance of hitting Quincy. But now, in these uncertain times, space scientists, using data collected from the Billboard charts and a downloaded PDF file of “upcoming events at the Beachcomber," have recalculated the odds to 1-in-3.


Harvey Danger, devastatingly close to Quincy. (Notice the Asian in the right hand corner.)

“This is our city's primary concern,” bellowed a somber Koch, clearly ignoring an out of control electrical fire at a preschool behind his podium. “The Russkie’s are going to launch a van full of dynamite down 93 North at a speed of two miles per hour. It will have a slow-burning fuse consisting of Yankee Candle® wicks. Those things burn mad slow, dude. By the time their tour bus rolls this way, the van should collide with it, and the fuse should blow. It seems complicated, but they checked the figures using two different calculators, and we ran a demonstration of it in a wicked expensive computer program, so it’s all good, baby.”

Koch then straightened out his ridiculously crinkled shirt for four minutes before adding, "Not on my watch, motherfuckers. This shit is going to get nuts.”



Donald Sutherland, pointing to Harvey Danger on the Beachcomber’s "Upcoming Events"

Donald Sutherland was not reached for comment on this article.

4 comments:

TomTurkolio said...

Well, anyone could've seen this coming a mile away if you ask me. The Beachcomber has been host to higher and higher profile bands over the past 2 years. 20 months ago Wu-Tang played there, 16 months ago Hatebreed was there, 12 months ago The Rolling Stones, 8 months ago The Beatles, 6 months ago The Jonas Brothers, last weekend I saw that Seven Mary Three played, and looking at their web site right now I see that they've got Elvis Presley on the ticket for July!

Beak Wilder said...

Elvis is actually the opening act, Tom. That's a One King Down show.

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Elliott Broidy said...

Wonderful story.