Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Arrival of mysterious horse and cat duo paves way for horrific mall Santa debacle, other events

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The arrival of a mysterious horse and cat duo has paved way for a series of wacky and unexplained events in the City of Presidents, causing many Quincy residents to begin thinking that Cat Stevens may have been correct when he claimed this world was, in fact, a wild world.

The horse and cat duo arrived in Quincy yesterday afternoon, by way of the Atherton-Cod Ferry System, which brings daily commuters back to the mainland after traveling the brand new eight-lane, sixty-mile-long bridge, which connects Hough's Neck's Raccoon Island to Sandwich, Cape Cod.

The horse, who claimed to have no name, arrived on the ferry with his best friend and attorney, Elmore-Pedro, whose bloodline can be directly connected with none other than Leo-Hector, the famed feline beau, last in the news after receiving the prestigious Outstanding Quincy Citizen of the Year Award.

“I’m not sure what’s going on here,” whispered Nicholas Copernicus, a nervous wreck from the working class section of Fenno Street. An accomplished shoe shiner and part-time astronomer, Copernicus was one of the first on scene to witness the arrival of the controversial duo. “I now have to rethink some of---nay---all of what I have previously known about astronomy since this occurrence. And at least part of what I had previously known about shining shoes.”

Elmore-Pedro had no response to Copernicus’ anxious ramblings, but the horse responded with a series of insane facial expressions and throat-shredding shrieks that caused a nearby Toyota Corolla to explode dramatically.

After firefighters were able to tame the blazing inferno, the gathering crowd was told to "settle the fuck down," as those who were interested were given the opportunity to line up and have their picture taken with Ralph "Sloppy Dog" Brancaccio, the third-degree burn victim from Adams Shore, who dresses like Santa Claus every day of the year.

Ralph Brancaccio, being photographed with a child who is in paralyzing fear.

These Christmas pictures were offered to the crowd free of charge by Wings Express, the former Quincy Center chicken wing delivery service, who now dabbles in the high stakes game of seasonal photography.

While children, the elderly, and the homeless were slowly being consumed by Brancaccio’s soul-crushing gaze, others weren’t so lucky.

The horse and cat advanced towards Quincy Center later that evening. Making both friends and enemies, they managed to subdue all questions and inquiries into their actions with a devastating web of lies, produced mostly by exaggerated facial expressions and frequent blinking.

A torch-carrying mob of primitive, blue-collar citizens then began gathering outside of the abandoned site that was once the home of Taso’s Pizza, demanding that city officials step in and “do something” about the two beasts.

Mike Texas, a 2004 Dr. Pepper spokesman of the year, was the first to petition Mayor Koch’s office to forcibly remove the horse and cat from Quincy.

“I twittered him, ked," said Texas. "I twittered him all day. That mayor better get off his pizza-eatin’ ass and get some cops out here. Shoot that horse like he was a Milton firefighter (oh snap!) and toss that cat into the ocean. People are trying to drink in this town, we don’t need this shit!”

Mike Texas, circa 2004, back when he was living the American dream.

It was at this time that the entire crowd grew immediately silent, as a sharp looking, tinted-as-fuck, powder blue Dodge Aries K pulled up and the horse and cat duo hopped in the backseat, never to be seen again.

Smoking the tires for no less than a solid hour, the Dodge Aries K then headed north, darting between each car it passed with the precision and aptness of a perfectly-designed vibrator. Some say that the car just kept on going, possibly as far as Boston. Others say it may have reached as far as Methuen, where the duo and their unknown driver may have gone to visit the home of Elmore-Pedro's distant cousin, bronze medal Olympic judo competitor, Jimmy Pedro.

But no matter what people speculate, or what theories some may have, no one can truly be sure, because in a world where a horse and cat can get along and ride the ferry together, nothing is what it seems.


Ronnie said...

No Name?? My ass (pun intended) I know him..Stippy Chkkk, NQHS class of 73, used to hang at just don't forget those eyes... that raincoat...

Beak Wilder said...