Friday, December 4, 2009

City placed under martial law over missing pair of Adidas shell toes, murder

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy was placed under martial law this morning after pair of Adidas shell toes turned up missing in the Wollaston section of Quincy, and, less importantly, the skull of a missing prostitute was found in the foot trails behind Merrymount Park.

The shell toes were reported missing just after dawn, when Jackie Transfusco, an unemployed Lady Gaga fan from Fenno Street, woke up to find that his closet had been ransacked overnight by bandits.

As usual, Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond.

"This is a heinous crime," Haylen said, as he casually adjusted his gentleman zone. "No Quincy resident should live in fear of having their shell toes taken from them in their sleep. Shell toes are a necessity in this city, and it is every citizen's right to bear them. Aside from being unemployed, Mr. Transfusco is a model citizen, and I will stop at nothing to retrieve his shoes. That's a fucking promise."

Stopping momentarily to flounder on the floor in a vicious fit of diabetic shock, Haylen continued. "As for the skull we found, we were able to, through acts of science, assume that it belonged to a prostitute who had gone missing a few months back. It is my experience that hookers are a feared and unloved breed. When they go missing, the search is often very minimal, and usually done with such haste that it might as well have not even happened. Nobody cares about a dead hooker. Or even an alive one, for that matter. From the rising gas prices, to the recent pandemic of the H1N1 virus, hookers have plagued this city with bad luck and overpriced blowjobs for years. Hookers contribute nothing to society. Nothing."

The decaying skull of what scientists assume to be a dead prostitute, just chillin'.

As with other murders in recent past, a Great One cup was found in the general vicinity of the remains, this time two blocks north, in a dumpster just outside of the Wollaston Dunkin' Donuts.

Authorities have asked all those concerned to please ignore this recent rash of "Great One Killer" murders, as, thus far, it has been "only prostitutes," and it is best to "just let nature take it's course."

As reported, Quincy will remain on martial law throughout the weekend, which is said to entail multiple road blocks in obvious locations, as well as a series of unmarked cars, each with more antennas than the last.


Ronnie said...

Thanks for the heads-up, I checked as soon as I awoke this afternoon..mine were BOTH still on my feet..

Beak Wilder said...

I'd get those things insured, Ronnie. The bandit is still at large.

Matty Hammers said...

I want to know who these cut rate scientists are that Quincy has been turning to as of late.