Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Snowy conditions cause mass hysteria among New Englanders, cancellation of Suicide Girls burlesque show at Sly Fox Tavern

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A burlesque show by the Portland, Oregan-based Suicide Girls was postponed today after thousands of Quincy residents, yet again, proved that they are unable to handle driving in snow.

The Suicide Girls, who are best known for dancing around topless, began operations in late-2001, as a way to express their overbearing sexuality and "daddy issues" on stage, and eventually, as their popularity grew, the World Wide Web.

The event, which was schedule to take place this evening at the Sly Fox Tavern in West Quincy, was cancelled last-minute, as over ninety percent of the residents in the area had already totalled their cars, only further proving the fact that no New Englander can ever remember how to drive during those crazy times in which rain freezes and then falls to the ground.

The Suicide Girls, dancing around like a pile of sluts at a party with plenty of Adderall.

"I don't understand what the fucking problem is," said Kevin Stickowski, a seasoned veteran of the car dealership world, and author of the self-help book, Kid, Are You Fuckin' Serious?: Get'cho Act Togetha, Kid! "We live in New England. What's the big fucking deal? Every single winter, it's the same old story. Everyone drives around at about ten miles per hour, and then they still crash their cars. Why can't anybody just get used to the fact that it's gonna snow? And now look at what happened. West Quincy lost what was probably their only chance to see a pair of titties that weren't literally touching the ground. Fucking bullshit!"

Of all the car accidents reported, one of the worst was on Chickatawbut Road, where a smooth looking foreign automobile crashed into seven moving cars. This, as eyewitnesses say, caused one of the biggest pileups Chickatawbut has ever seen since the time Orlando Bloom casually cruised by a group of young gay boys, causing them to all pile on top of each other and fuck each other's faces.

The major eight-car pileup on Chickatawbut Road, in all of its disastrous glory.

"There's just something about New England drivers that science will never be able to explain," said Matty Hammers, a top-notch scientist, and self-proclaimed "Avon Barksdale of Quincy," last in the news after several failed attempts to make beer-and-then-liquor not make you sicker. "It just seems like this happens every year. Nobody knows what to do when it snows, so they just kinda glide across the roads until they hit something. It's almost funny, if you think about it. Until people die, that is. And then it's just hilarious. Unless, of course, the person who dies is a good kid. Then it just sucks. But the odds of that happening in this town are pretty fucking slim. There's a lot of expendable people in this city. Just sayin'."

When asked if they would ever attempt a return to the City of Presidents, the Suicide Girls declined to answer, as they were too busy whipping their tits out and somehow attributing it to an act of misplaced feminism.

Another Suicide Girl, this one exposing her breasts to an easily distracted world.

As of now, authorities have asked that all timid folks and all-around meat whistles remain at home and refrain from using public roads, as it has been known to cause mass hysteria and mind-bending accidents.

As it remains unclear if the ever-so-respectable Suicide Girls will ever return, it is recommended that any Quincy resident who is in dire need of seeing tits go to Club 58, preferably with a gigantic bag of low quality cocaine.

It is this reporter's belief that no man should ever pay dime-one to see a pair of washed-up punk rock, goth, and/or indie boobs, as there are boobs everywhere you look, and you can actually see them, if you only tried. And I would rather a half-hour lunch with Kathleen Hanna over sex with every single one of those bummin' Suicide Girls, or whatever the fuck they call themselves.

Anyone can be born with a pair of tits and run around acting like they're Betty Page with tattoos, but it takes a truly iconic individual to develop a personality that interests others. And that, my friends, is a fact. Well, it's probably more of an opinion, but it's my opinion, which is basically a fact. See ya fuckin' later, kid.


sons of anarchy said...

is that your girlfriend?


Beak Wilder said...

I don't have a girlfriend, dickhead. I have a wife. And she's a hundred percent better than any of the whores mentioned here.

sons of anarchy said...

I saw video of your wife blowing jared letto on youtube..real class act.


Beak Wilder said...

Blowing Jared Leto isn't cheating. After My So Called Life, it's considered a normal action, almost like going down on Marisa Tomei after seeing My Cousin Vinny.