Thursday, December 31, 2009

Local douchebag in hot seat again as past indiscretions revealed to unsuspecting fiancé

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tony Montego, a West Quincy native from Town Hill Street, found himself in the hot seat again yesterday evening, as an old amateur sex tape from his college days was discovered by his fiancé.

According to downstairs neighbors who listened to the ensuing argument, the tape was discovered when Montego accidentally attempted to play a taped-over VHS copy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the compelling teen drama, which featured Judge Reinhold as Brad Hamilton, the lovable owner of a 1960 Buick LeSabre.

Montego is best known in Quincy for inventing the "Brew-Her-Corn-Her," the controversial sex move, which involves pouring a pot of scalding hot coffee on a girl's face while you fuck her with an ear of corn on Brewer's Corner.

The sex tape, which consisted of Montego receiving oral sex from three underaged partygoers, was said to have instantly driven his unsuspecting fiancé to the point of madness, causing her to call off the wedding until further notice.

Montego's fiancé asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, however, popular demand has persuaded Scallion reporters to admit that it is none other than Shirley Shupapo, the fun-loving "girl next door" type from the Coffee Break Café on Old Colony Avenue in Wollaston.

"This doesn't surprise me one bit," claimed Moranzo Llamas, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy, last in the news after getting wicked high and "acting the fool" at an otherwise peaceful social engagement. "Tony Montego is a filthy dude. I worked the docks with him back in the day and he used to do these disgusting tongue gestures to every girl that walked by. It didn't matter if they were fat, skinny, or somewhere in between. If a girl walked by, Tony was all over her, every fucking time. And they always went for him, too. I don't know what women see in that kid, but there's gotta be something. Fucking piece of shit. Must be nice to pour a pot of coffee on a girl's face while you fuck her with a fistful of corn. Must be nice."

Montego was unavailable for comment on this story, claiming to be detained by a previous chiropractor engagement, as the lack of cushioning in the arms of his Ikea sofa had quickly become too much for his body to bear.

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