Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Sneakers hanging from telephone wires still citywide problem, experts say

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of Timothy Nightingale

A recent study conducted by experts shows that children having their Adidas shell toes stolen and hung from telephone wires is still a major problem in Quincy.

The study, which was performed in the basement level of Roxie’s Market, shows that most children in the areas of West Quincy, Germantown, and Quincy Point have lost at least sixteen pairs of shell toes by the age of 18.

It is a problem that has so far shown no signs of going away, yet has been repeatedly ignored by the mayor’s office.

Since accepting office, Mayor Thomas Koch has not only denied the existence of this problem, but has abandoned the “No Shell Toes Left Behind” act that previous mayor, Bill “The Red Power Ranger” Phelan, had enacted two years prior to leaving.

“This is not an ongoing problem,” lied City Hall lackey Joe Schlopp. “These are isolated incidents, and there is no reason to believe that there has been a continuing sneaker conspiracy. The people of this city are safe here, as are their shell toes.”

Abruptly excusing himself from the interview, Schlopp then faded into the crowd of puzzled onlookers, with what appeared to be a uncontrollable, raging boner.

Schlopp’s thin, form-fitting khakis did little to hide this, however, appeared to be quite comfortable, with all those nearby agreeing that they matched his aging loafers “almost perfectly."

While little to no direct action is expected from government officials in the city, roving bands of vigilantes have been reported in the troubled neighborhoods, taking matters into their own hands.

Multiple pairs of shell toes hanging from a telephone wire in scenic Quincy Point.

Residents of West Quincy have placed calls into NSTAR, City Hall, Verizon, and the Adidas company itself to report incidents of people cutting down telephone poles for the precious footwear. These calls were largely ignored due to the fact that the telephone wires were cut down and disconnected, thus not enabling their ramblings to get through.

Ralph Waldo Emernem, a 42-year-old grown-ass man, was apprehended by a neighborhood watch group after setting off a small-scale nail-bomb in his backyard, which killed approximately 900 people and animals. Venting his frustration at yet another pair of his shell toes being tossed up onto a telephone wire, Mr. Emernem was heard to say that if his shoes were not taken down, cleaned properly with Foot Locker brand sneaker cleaner, and returned to him, "People will die. Starting tonight. I’m a man of my word.”

Emernem then cackled maniacally before choking on the Bic pen cap that he was chewing on. He was later resuscitated by none other than Officer Nico Haylen, although still remains sneakerless at the time of this article.

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