Wednesday, December 16, 2009

9-out-of-10 male Quincy residents not happy with size of dick, recent survey says

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent survey has shown that 9-out-of-10 male Quincy residents are not happy with the size of their penis, and would increase their size by up to six inches in length, and almost twice in girth, if it were possible.

The survey, which was conducted in the mysterious brick face building across from Quincy High School, labeled "Professional Building" on its facade, was performed by asking six Stash's Pizza delivery men if they would prefer a bigger penis.

Romanzza Pizza delivery men were initially asked to take part in this survey, however, declined to participate, as the Washington Street Pizza Delivery Men Union strictly forbids any of its members to reveal the size of their penis.

"This is groundbreaking evidence," remarked Dr. Claudius Henderson, a red-faced alcoholic with absolutely nothing to lose, last in the news after thirty-two failed attempts at proving that the movie The Human Centipede is 100% medically accurate. "Through extensive medical research---but, more so, a single survey---we were able to determine that most of the male residents in Quincy would prefer a larger penis. And who could blame them, really? Have you ever tried to make sweet love to one of the wretched hatchet wounds this city has for women? It's like trying to choke a whale shark with a single piece of rice. It's just pointless."

As for what this recent survey proves, no one can be sure. Local doctors and theorists have asked that all Quincy residents, whether male or female, take pride in the fact that modern science has twice over proved that the average Quincy kid's penis is no less than one quarter inch larger than that of the average Braintree, Weymouth, or Milton kid's penis. It should be noted, however, no matter how trivial it may seem, that all Quincy kids have AIDS.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That "Professional Building" is where Jordan and Jonathan Knight, of New Kids on the Block fame, got braces. That is a fact.