Monday, December 28, 2009

Fowler House Café named "Hot New Wedding Spot" in highly-regarded Maxim magazine

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy's Fowler House Café was named a "hot new wedding spot" by the well-respected, highly-regarded Maxim magazine, known for it's creative blend of thought-provoking articles and tantalizing breasts.

This latest issue of Maxim, which is expected to bring enormous amounts of revenue to the already popular romantic wedding spot, can be purchased for a fair price at almost any convenience store, supermarket, or newsstand.

"It's about time the Fowler House got the attention it deserved," said Alf Nelson, a local oldtimer who later keeled over and died from simultaneously suffering an explosive brain aneurysm and a massive heart attack. "I don't read Maxim, to be honest. The doctors say that one more ounce of excitement for me would probably be enough to make every organ in my body explode. But what do those crook doctors know, anyway? If you ask me, I'm as healthy as a mule."

Maxim spokesman Tal Fedora refused to state exactly why the Fowler House was chosen for their latest issue, although it is expected to be due to the establishment's recent inclusion of a newly refurbished 26" Zenith.

"That new issue of Maxim was fantastic," exclaimed Taco P. Buttersworth, the resident bartender at the Fowler House, last in the news after receiving several parton-filed complaints about being too slippery smooth. "The entire issue was about Quincy. They had some really great articles about how to excite the Quincy girls in bed. I ain't trying to say that I didn't already know all those tricks, but it was a fun read, nonetheless. And that three-panel pullout with that washed-up Quincy Point Panthers cheerleader wearing nothing but an open rehab johnny and nipple covers that looked like giant OxyContins---damn! I haven't seen something that hot since the time I accidentally saw Sara Tyler's browneye on the last day of eighth grade."

The latest issue of Maxim, which features many of Quincy's finest whores.

Due to this latest edition of the popular magazine, the Fowler House has promised to up the ante even further with their wedding packages, now offering half-priced appetizer samplers, in-house ushers, Herbie and Walter, who are guaranteed to woo over almost any drunk bride and groom, a five-minute period in which they will turn off the nightly sports game, and a plethora of red-faced regulars who will stare awkwardly at you and eat mozzarella sticks while you read your vows.

"I think it's a really nice place to have a ceremony," said Donna "Fupa Face" McClusky, who was featured in the "Hotties of West Quincy" article in the latest Maxim. "It's good to see people keeping it local these days, especially with all the bad things being said about Quincy. But what do I know? I'm just a painkiller-addicted whore who buys cases of Keystone with an EBT card. Hell, I'd probably fucking blow the dude from Andre's Market for a shot of Cossacks and a Perc 30, even after I found out he had AIDS. What the fuck do I have to lose, right?"

Alf Nelson will be laid to rest at the Lydon Funeral Home on Hancock Street, which, ironically, is of direct relation to Michelle Lydon, Quincy's snazziest justice of the peace, who comes with the Fowler House's finest recommendation. Mrs. Lydon's services can be obtained quite quickly, and her information can be found on her easy-to-navigate website at

1 comment:

Lisa said...

who wants an OC?