Tuesday, December 29, 2009

New restaurant to open across street from Fat Cat will offer gourmet cuisine, controversial name

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A new restaurant in the works, which is setting up shop directly across the street from the successful Fat Cat, is scheduled to open it's doors sometime in the coming week, although controversy over it's name looms large, as many residents of the area have complained that it is simply inappropriate.

The restaurant, which is to be named the "Abnormally Large Pussy," has been said by some to be purposely named, not only to mock the name of the Fat Cat, but to haunt the minds of Quincy residents everywhere.

Head chef and owner, Fernando Schneigle Püpe VII, however, denies these accusations, claiming that the restaurant is named after his family cat, Jeffrey-Alejandro, who weighs in at a bone-crunching seventy-six pounds.

"It's merely a misinterpretation," remarked Püpe, a twelve-year native of the Little Belgium area of Hough's Neck. "The pussy I have at home, it is so abnormally large. But I love the pussy, no matter how unhealthy it may appear. Everyone loves to play with the pussy, especially when it is so big and so fat. I come home and I take my hands, and I knead the pussy, massaging it, and relieving it of it's tensions. I wanted to do something nice for the pussy---my dear Jeffrey-Alejandro---so I name the restaurant after him. It was my gift to the pussy. But now the entire city is upset with me, and I am in danger of losing my business before it is even opened. It seems that no matter how much a man loves the pussy, it can also be a man's greatest downfall. How anybody could miscontrue this name is beyond me. I am beside myself with both agony and frustration. All I ever wanted in life is for people to look at pictures of my pussy while they dined."

Fat Cat owner Kyle Nealy was unavailable for comment on this matter, although one patron, Steve Fritz, after drinking several Golden Monkey ales, was willing to tell Scallion reporters his side of the story.

"Abnormally Large Pussy?" exclaimed Fritz, as he desperately clung on to what little was left of his sanity. "I've seen some poorly named businesses in my time, but this one takes the cake. I mean, seriously. Abnormally Large Pussy? Are they fucking kidding me? This can't be serious."

Steve Fritz, hamming it up for the camera in what was to be his final moments.

Moments later, Fritz was asked by the management to leave the Fat Cat and never return, as his physical appearance and drinking habits were becoming quite troublesome for all those who were forced to bear witness.

As to be expected, Fritz then took a wild swing at the closest person near him, who immediately grabbed Fritz by the back of the head and drowned him in a giant bowl of piping hot macaroni and cheese.

"Delicious," Fritz was heard to say, as the tender gift of life escaped him.

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