Saturday, December 5, 2009

Missing squirrel found murdered on Putman Street

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone

The body of a missing squirrel was found murdered on Putman Street this morning, causing citizens to lash out after City Hall's refusal to get involved.

John "Smoking Guns" Cunnif, the squirrel who had gone missing in the otherwise peaceful Merrymount neighborhood, was found dead just after daybreak from an apparent vicious bludgeoning.

While autopsy reports are still in progress, City Hall has so far refused to release any statement on this recent rise in squirrel murders, which has plagued the city of Quincy for the past three weeks.

Just last week, Kenneth P. Talbot, a fan favorite among squirrels and humans alike, known for his daily walks through the Montclair section of Quincy, was found with thirty-two BB gun pellets to chest. Talbot died later that same afternoon at Quincy Medical Center after three hours of intense cardiac surgery.

"We just couldn't save the poor guy," said Dr. Desmond Shaw, Quincy Medical Center's top squirrel surgeon. "It's just too much to take. Every single day, more and more squirrel violence occurs in this city. There's just no rhyme or reason to it."

Dr. Desmond Shaw has so far maintained a steady 0% success rate for saving squirrels, although promises to try harder in future attempts.

There is no word yet on why these recent murders have taken place, however, experts in this field all agree that some sort of human-squirrel war has been waged. If this stands true, it would appear that the years of constant, unspoken tension between the two breeds of vertebrate mammals has finally reached its boiling point.

Theories on who is responsible for the murders include, but are not limited to, Freddy Madball, the Great One Killer, and the infamous Cardoza drug cartel.

So far, no arrests have been made in any of these cases, as authorities have reported no current leads in the investigation.


Anonymous said...

Hahaha....freddy madball

Beak Wilder said...

Ever since he moved to Wollaston, shit got weird.

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

ever since he started rapping shit got weirder

Ronnie said...

lil fella looks like he's sleepin'

TomTurkolio said...

I can assure you that Freddy isn't involved. I saw him throwing a fresh medium regular from Coffee Break at someone's car in the Quincy Center parking garage, as he screamed, "all I can ask myself is whyyyyyy!?" Then some jibberish about cold as life. I can only assume this is a direct reference to the squirrel beatings.