Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Biker gangs and skinheads battle in the streets

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A war between a biker gang and skinheads has erupted in the streets of Quincy, causing many residents to become increasingly annoyed by the overbearing sound of loud motorcycle engines and vague threats of separate economic and cultural development for whites.

As reported by authorities, the war began when a group of white separatists, known as the League of Extraordinarily Anglo Dudes, (or "L.E.A.D." for short), arrived in the city, and began setting up a new cigar shop in North Quincy.

This, of course, did not go over well with the Sons of Granite, the Quincy-based motorcycle gang responsible for nearly a dozen traffic violations and misdemeanors over the past twelve years.

The initial fighting, as police reports say, began after Jackson Telmax, Vice President of the Sons of Granite, allegedly walked past the North Quincy cigar shop and was taunted by the League of Extraordinarily Anglo Dude's head henchman, Renny Hollrins, for having such pristine white sneakers.

It was at this point that Telmax struck a hauntingly attractive pose and engaged in what was reported as "the longest staring contest Quincy has ever seen since the first time Officer Nico Haylen met eyes with local rap artist, Neal Diamondz."

"It's a war zone out there," remarked Jemma Hanshee, a resident of North Quincy, and author of Pregnant Women are Disgusting: Seriously, Why So Fat? "I was at the Chantey last week and a fight almost broke out. Can you believe that? It was a pretty intense scene. All the skinheads were just flipping the bikers off and calling them names. They kept calling Jackson Telmax 'pretty boy' and 'adorable,' and stuff like that. I felt really bad for him. He couldn't even finish his Michelob Ultra. He was that fucking hurt by what they were saying. My heart really goes out to him. He's a great guy. And for someone who's such a pretty boy, he really is adorable."

Renny Hollrins, totally unwilling to put up with any form of shit from anyone.

The fighting only worsened days later when Jackson Telmax found a complete bottle of his Aussie Aussome Volume Hair Spray Gel Fusion emptied out in his bathroom sink, causing him to fly into a rampage that left him with eight bloody knuckles, three broken toothbrushes, and a completely devastated toilet basin.

Immediately filing a report against the League of Extraordinarily Anglo Dudes with the Norfolk County Sheriff's Office, Telmax then took it to the streets to commence in a battle to define all battles.

Stopping briefly to fix his untreated hair, Telmax then met eyes with several members of the skinhead organization, causing him to hop back onto his Harley Davidson and head back to the center of town as fast as he could, where he, yet again, enlisted the help of local law enforcement, as opposed to just fucking handling it.

Jackson Telmax, pleading with the sheriff's office to help him get his hair product back.

"He was really out of sorts," said Deputy Sheriff Johnny Doright. "I've never seen Jackson that upset before. Personally, I thought his hair looked great. If you ask me, it was perfect. And his sneakers were immaculate. How that man is able to constantly travel through the long-forgotten dusty highway trails of Quincy all day long and keep his sneakers so white and pure, I'll never understand. But I'm not here to figure out life's mysteries. I'm here to protect and serve, and that's exactly what I do best. So, I hopped in my cruiser and I interrogated the League about his hair product, but they didn't seem to know anything about it. I asked them straight up and they said they had no idea what I was talking about, so there really wasn't anything I could about it. I don't really know what purpose they'd have with such an industrial strength spray gel, anyway. I mean, we are talking about skinheads, right?"

Authorities have asked that all residents please stay clear of any bikers and skinheads for the time being, and that all those who may be involved to keep their "colors" at home.

"What kind of a city would tell colored people to stay home?" barked Craig Jefferson, an African American resident of Merrymount, who has a knack for misinterpreting things. "This is complete bullshit."

No further information on this ongoing war is known, although it is expected that it will merely continue on in the passive-aggressive manner in which it started, as all Quincy beefs do.

As of the time of this article, Jackson Telmax has not been reimbursed for his spray gel, nor has anyone come forward with information as to who was responsible for the most vicious and inhumane act that has divided the city in two.


Anonymous said...


Beak Wilder said...

Brunk Edwards and I survived the rise and fall of the Crazy White Boys. I think we can handle FX's fictional biker gang. Later, dude.

Darth Vader said...

Im not Rappaport!!

Darth Vader said...

Shake @ Bake

Anonymous said...

Dude its NOT a fictional biker gang. They are the real thing. And you are on their shit list buddy.

Beak Wilder said...

Well, if they wanna travel the 3,000 miles to Quincy, Massachusetts, they can feel free. But, if they do, they'll get the beat. Nothing happens to me in this fucking city. Nothing.

Anonymous said...

This is Clay- My old lady just showed me what the internet is.
Our New England Chapter of the SONS is coming to take you out.
Watch yourself when walking alone on broad street tonight at 6 pm.
We will bury you in that cemetery you walk by.


Beak Wilder said...

Clay, for three reasons, I find it very hard to believe that Gemma was able to explain the internet to you.

1. Gemma is currently on the lam.

2. There's no way in Hell that you would be able to learn the internet this quickly. No offense, but you wear a bandana, and your leadership resulted in the death of one of your own.

3. You look like a proto-Neanderthal version of Tom Waits.

Darth Vader said...

^^^^^What the fuck is this dude talking about??...MY GOD....What a waist of time it was reading that statement...i demand the scallion reimburse me at $90.00 and hour....WTF.......
Wait im not done...WTF...Fuck The Sons of Anarchy....come to Quincy....see what happens!!!

Anonymous said...

is that what you charge for sucking dick
the SONS are out for you now too shit breath

Darth Vader said...

$90.00 is what your mom pays me to put my balls in her mouth...your dad isnt perfoming anymore so your ugly mom LOVES my balls...i shave them just for her. Have fun pretending to ba a fictional character that is coming to Quincy and for being huge tool. Tell your mom ill be by after you leave for work.

Beak Wilder said...

What are they gonna do, call the cops on us?

Darth Vader said... need to get