Monday, November 30, 2009

Financial woes for Nicolas Cage worsen as Quincy-based properties amass debt


Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Nicholas Cage, best known for killing criminal mastermind, Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom, in the 1997 documentary, Con Air, appeared in Quincy District Court today to answer questions regarding back taxes owed on various properties around the City of Presidents.

Mr. Cage, formerly known as Nicholas Coppola, and almost never known as DJ Jazzy Moonbucks, remained mostly silent throughout the hearing as his Scottish attorney, Billiam Bollace, answered questions pertaining to “financially ridiculous purchases" the cash-strapped actor has made in the city.

Some of the stranger properties and items Mr. Cage owns are the stone watchtower on Wollaston Hill, the second floor of Central Middle School, a prehistoric dinosaur skull found in a Wendy’s bathroom, which scientists estimate is 67 million years old, and a Toyota Corolla found in a Wendy’s drive-thru, which automotive experts place as being over 20 years old.

Cage, when asked about these strange purchases in the Granite City, merely uttered an inaudible monologue of scattered words and movements, all done with his signature blend of awkward hand gestures and untimely pauses.

This monologue, however, was quickly interrupted as attentions were distracted by a series of computer-generated explosions, each more thrilling than the last.


Nicolas Cage, attempting to inform the people of Quincy his side of the story.

Cage’s $25,000-per-hour hi-definition light show failed to explain his purchase of a shower curtain consisting of 300 mint condition copies of The Freeze’s Rabid Reaction record sewn together.

Honorable Judge Bill Meade, however, was adequately impressed with a wild rant from the actor that expressed remorse over buying a cubic ton of premium grade Quincy granite per day for the last 400 days at a value of over $2.1 million dollars.

Cage had the granite excavated from his private quarry daily, then shipped to his four-story tree house on Elm Street, where he would grind the rocks to dust using a diamond-tipped Slap Chop® and then snort the filtrate.


Cage's four-story tree house, as seen from the roof of the Elm Street Wash and Dry.

A lengthy stay in one of Quincy’s many rehab clinics is widely assumed to be part of the defendant's plea bargain.

Sipping quietly on a hot chocolate consisting of boiling Amazonian cocoa butter and "half and half" from the South Quincy 7-Eleven, Cage mused that his days of wild spending and reckless, carefree fiscal mismanagement may be at an end.

“At the rate I was going," the actor stated. "I would have to make Snake Eyes 2, 3 and 4 just to pay the maintenance bills for the built-to-scale Titanic I have in Houghton’s Pond. And, even then, I'd still be breaking even.”

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I liked him in raising arizona and the weather man and that was about it. prettaaay prettay prettay funny read.

Ronnie said...

hey, I own the 2nd floor of Central Middle school.....wtf

Beak Wilder said...

Ronnie, this isn't the first time Central Middle School has "double sold" a floor of their school It's a pyramid scheme of sorts. Or ponzi scheme, if you will. It helps provide substantial funds for Henderson to drink at the Fowler House on those lonely, grief-ridden nights.