Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Human centipede controversy raises eyebrows amongst locals as more evidence resurfaces

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

More evidence has resurfaced in regards to allegations that Mayor Thomas Koch has, in fact, been experimenting with creating a connected, three-person "human centipede" of sorts, as two photographs have made their way to The Quincy Scallion by way of an anonymous tip sent from a tipped-over Germantown mailbox.

As the allegations state, Mayor Koch is involved in this controversial experiment in an attempt to rock the science world in a way Quincy hasn't seen since Dr. Crully Fantasia created a pill that makes Squantum kids unable to listen to the Clash.

The human centipede, which involves three separate individuals, who are connected by having their faces sewn to the asses of the person before them, is rumored to share one digestive track, as the excrement of the first person is said to travel through the remaining two individuals by means too disgusting to mention.

"I don't think it's right," claimed Paul McGranite, a fan favorite from North Quincy, who once bit a puppy's face off in an attempt to disprove that all vegetarians are pussies. "There's really no reason why you should ever sew somebody's face to another person's ass. Most people will eat an ass if you ask them to, but they prefer to be asked nicely. And I'm not saying I know much about human centipedes, because I don't, but there are at least three things I'm sure of: Nobody wants to be involved in one, there is absolutely no good reason why the mayor of a city should ever be experimenting with one, and, if you absolutely have to be a part of one, it's always best to be the guy in the front."

The experiment, which has allegedly been going on for the past six months, is said to be overseen by a mysterious Dr. Karl Von Asstomouth, who was last in the news after allegations of having a ridiculous last name caused him to retire from the medical field forever. Until, of course, he allegedly began abducting Quincy residents and sewing their faces to other people's asses.

Dr. Karl Von Asstomouth, caring for his human centipede in the comfort of his home.

"The city is in no way experimenting with a human centipede," lied mayoral aide Joe Schlopp. "Let me just assure you of that right now. Even if we were, why would it matter? Wouldn't you want to know if it could work? I mean, we're talking about technology that can literally connect one man's face to another man's ass. If people could survive that way, the entire city could become one giant centipede, leaving all the pizza for me and the mayor. I'm not saying that's what we're attempting here, but I also won't insult anybody's intelligence and say that it hasn't at least crossed my mind. This is a 'turn a blind eye' situation, if there ever was one. The human centipede could work, if we could only find a way. And, with any luck, we will find that way. One day, we will all eat from the ass of the mayor, and it will be glorious."

There is no word yet as to whether Schlopp realizes that, if the entire city were to become a giant centipede, there would be no one left to cook pizza. However, the possibility that Schlopp himself knows how to make his own pizza, while slim, does exist. But experts claim that Schlopp not only couldn't cook his own pizza, but can barely eat it without getting over half of it on the mayor's beautiful $18,000 carpet.


sweden said...

I may never eat pizza again--

Beak Wilder said...

Welcome back, Sweden!

Brunk E. said...

All it took to bring back the Swede was a lil' Human Centipede.