Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Controversial food delivery methods mistaken as yet another Japanese attack

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A controversial form of food delivery service was mistaken as a Japanese attack yesterday when Quincy Center’s Fuji 1546 attempted to deliver a large order of pan-fried gyōza and seared maguro sushi to a security guard at the Fore River Shipyard.

These delivery service methods were said to entail no less than sixteen Nakajima B5N bombers, each equipped with Type 91 torpedoes, filled to the brim with delicious Japanese cuisine. In addition to these bombers was a single Mitsubishi A6M Zero fighter plane, equipped with an impressive Bose stereo system, which blasted Faith Hill’s “There You’ll Be” as the delivery was being made.

This disruptive means of delivery caused a deep feeling of unease among locals, causing a four-minute-long battle of wits, as no actual weaponry was made available for Quincy residents to defend themselves against what was mistaken as an unexpected air attack.

“I was driving past the shipyard on my way to Amazing Video,” said a shameless Kenny Jabbarino, a "smell my fingers" kind of guy from Adams Shore. “It was my girl’s birthday and I wanted to get her something nice. That’s when I saw the planes. They were closing in on the USS Salem with tremendous speed. I immediately pulled over and began throwing Perc 512s at them, attempting to at least deter them from the attack. But the 512s had no effect on them, so I reached into my fifth pocket and grabbed an OC 80. I threw it in my mouth and swallowed, waiting the necessary thirty seconds it took to obtain the super strength needed to defeat sixteen planes. I took a running start and shot up into the air, protected by nothing but the hard rubber front of my shell toes and the heavy wool of my pea coat.”

Stopping briefly to crack open can of ice cold Bud Light, Jabbarino continued. “I blasted the first plane in the nose, causing it to spin wildly and crash into the water. The second plane started coming towards me, and then the third. I punched them both out like I was a Sterling Middle School ruffian taking out a couple of timid North Quincy kids. Before I could reach the other planes, they began to retreat back to their runway above Fuji. I stayed in the air for a few minutes more, just so I could stare at them while they fled. And then I dropped into the water. It was fucking cold in there. By the time I swam to shore, my penis was about the size a baby shrimp from a shockingly underpriced Long John Silver’s special. Luckily, I had just purchased that gift from Amazing Video, so I was still able to go home and please my girlfriend on her birthday. It’s funny how things have a way of working out like that. Bitch was straight up screaming, it was great. We went through an entire roll of paper towels. If it wasn't for Amazing Video, we'd have some seriously unhappy women in this city. What an amazing store that place is. I owe them everything.”

Fuji 1546 owner, Jimmy Liang, was unavailable for comment on this matter, as he was busy setting up his all-new thirteen story teppanyaki bar in Wollaston Center. However, his associate, Tommy Wingman, did promise that the establishment would make an effort to adopt a less threatening form of delivery service in the future.


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