Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Peach Pit franchise to open in South Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The popular Peach Pit franchise has announced plans of opening a new location in South Quincy this morning, causing many residents of the area to begin rethinking the possibility of growing sideburns.

The Peach Pit, which was made famous in the popular night time television drama, Beverly Hills, 90210, has since become a household name to all, especially the undying fans of Joe E. Tata, who is best known for playing Nat, the lovable, but sometimes ruthless, owner of the formerly fictional establishment.

Beverly Hills, 90210 was loosely based on the 1988 North Quincy High School play, Montclair, 02170, which told the tale of Sweden Walsh, a former Minnesota native who moves to the Montclair section of Quincy and quickly gets caught up in the high stakes world of drinking at golf courses, celebrating 21st birthdays at Malachy's, and spray painting shamrocks on corner stores.

But all is not well in the tight-knit community of South Quincy, as no one resident can agree on the location of where the new Peach Pit should be.

Those who grew up on the President’s Pharmacy side demand that it be built in the location that currently houses the South Shore Savings Bank. While those who grew up on the Miller’s Pharmacy side of the neighborhood have also staked claim on the popular dining spot, claiming it would be a perfect replacement for the Varsity Club.

While both pharmacies have since gone out of business and been replaced by many other businesses since, this only further proves that the great Miller’s-President’s War still goes on, causing authorities to be on red alert, as last reports of this infighting resulted in no less than seventeen kids getting slapped, at least three atomic wedgies, and one kid who got so bummed out that he had to go home.

“The Peach Pit should be on the Miller’s Pharmacy side of South Quincy,” claimed Shawnie Brando, a man who once showed up to school wearing a Hole shirt and a pink barrette in his hair. “Miller’s Pharmacy had an extensive collection of penny candy. All President’s Pharmacy had was a free blood pressure machine. I’m not saying I didn’t like the blood pressure machine, but I’d much prefer candy. The Peach Pit should replace the Varsity Club. That bar sucks. If I wanted a vague Irish and sports theme, and slightly-better-than-average food that has been marinating in butter for weeks, I’d go to Murphy’s Twin Shamrocks. We need a place where you can hang out all day long, simply because one person in your entire group ordered a single slice of pie. But maybe that’s just me. I’m a known loiterer, I’ll admit. But I still think it’d be cool to have it around. I love Joe E. Tata. Next to Orlando Bloom, he’s probably the best actor to ever set foot on the stage.”

A fucking typical scene from FOX's beloved teen drama, Beverly Hills, 90210.

“Fuck the Miller’s Pharmacy kids,” barked Matty Southside, a man who once wore an Eazy-E shirt to church, with nothing in his hair but the blood of his enemies. “Those kids act like all we had on our side was a free blood pressure machine. Anybody ever hear of Bradford Park? I’d like to see one of those Miller’s Pharmacy kids try to use that basketball court without getting a GT Performer thrown off their face. There’s really no reason why anybody should ever cater to their side, when they could clearly cater to ours. We had 7-Eleven growing up, they had fuckin’ CVS. Do you have any idea how easy it was to steal from 7-Eleven? I used to walk in there with elbow pads and knee pads, pretending to be a skateboarder, and then just load the pads up with candy bars. Fuck penny candy. How about free candy? How’s that float your boat? Mark my words, if they build a Peach Pit on the wrong side of South Quincy, I will straight murder one kid from Squantum every single day until they make things right. There’s only one right way to go about this, and they better chose wisely. As usual, I am not fucking around.”

There is no word yet on whether, or not, Matty Southside realizes that Squantum has absolutely nothing to do with this. Although, it is expected that his aggression can be immediately attributed to the fact that Squantum kids use an "SQ" abbreviation, which South Quincy kids feel should be rightfully theirs.

While no one can be sure as to where the location of the new Peach Pit will be, one can only assume that, no matter where it is built, there will be blood.

Until further notice, authorities have asked that all forty-seven residents of South Quincy please remain calm, as the Peach Pit has promised to offer friendly service and home style meals for an honest price, no matter where their customers hail from.

Tori Spelling was unavailable to comment on this article, as she was too busy being the most hideous looking creature of the night that anybody has ever fucking seen.

Read: The Tragedy (by Elizabeth Longfur)


Anonymous said...

Joey Tata is my HERO!!

lizabeth said...

Awww Thanks for the link to my terrible but hilarious story about tory Spelling. Maybe someone will actually read it now. lol

Beak Wilder said...

It wasn't terrible, Furlong. I was very proud of you after you wrote that story. Dead serious.

TomTurkolio said...

If I had known that fucking show was based on Montclair, I wouldn't have been a teen viewer. I thought it was based Uncle Charlie's! I'm outraged! Even though I hate Weymouth too!

Beak Wilder said...

To me, Weymouth is just something in between Abington and Whitman. An obstacle of sorts.

Darth Vader said...

Bradford Park Bitches.....Woot-Woot