Friday, November 20, 2009

Homeless bum sex on Broad Street, city intrigued

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A pair of homeless people were caught having sex in a busy parking lot between Fratelli's Bakery and Pearle Vision last Friday, after the driver of a passing school bus reported what appeared to be "disgusting bum sex" to authorities.

Police arrested the man and woman shortly after, however, were unable to erase the image from the minds of those who bared witness to the hideous, inhumane act.

"They were still in the act when I arrived," claimed Officer Nico Haylen, who asked that his name not be used in this article. "When I first pulled up, I thought the guy's face had been sewn to her rectal region, almost as if it was one multi-limbed being, connected through some strange experiment, in which both parties share the very same digestive track. A human centipede of sorts. But then I realized that he was actually just willingly eating her ass. It was a disturbing sight to see, especially considering the fact that he was 82-years-old and she was only 19. I gotta give him credit in the stamina department, though. That guy leaves no deed unfinished, that's for sure. I sat there for a good ten minutes, just watching his technique. He knew what he was doing down there. He had done this before. He even spit on his hand and finished her off with a wet one. It was sorta cute."

Merle Humphries, the homeless man in question, was then taken to Quincy Medical Center, where over thirty-two gallons of Carlo Rossi Blush was pumped from his stomach, which was later resold to Carlo Rossi Vineyards, where it was repackaged and so
ld as a seasonal, limited-time-only merlot.

This merlot, or "Carlo Rossi's Merle-Oh," as it is called, can be purchased at Atlas Liquors for a fair and reasonable price, and is said to be "shockingly different," as well as "refreshingly smooth."

Humphries, smashing a heaping portion of Cream of Wheat into his homeless face.

"This is just a publicity stunt created by Fratelli's Bakery and Pearle Vision," claimed Jeff Brophy, a man who claims almost everything that happens in life is a publicity stunt. "First, Harry's Carpet fixes an election to get Mayor Koch into City Hall so everyone would see their new luxury carpet line. Then, Beak Wilder gets married for some stupid viral marketing campaign for The Quincy Scallion. And now, we have bakeries and eyeglass stores combining their efforts and advertising through gross sexual acts with homeless people. It's crossing the line, and it's not right. And it's fucking disgusting. This city is absolutely insane, and pretty soon, it's about to fucking explode."

Aside from her name, no information is known in regards to the homeless woman in question, although Officer Haylen claimed she was "strikingly attractive" and "oddly familiar looking." It can only be assumed that she is of Polish descent, and was, at one point, the head cheerleader at her school, captain of the volleyball team, and in love with a man whose cellular phone was approximately the size of a jukebox.

Kelly Pakowski, along with Humphries, were both charged with lewd sexual acts in public, operating a homeless penis while intoxicated, consuming bodily fluids near a food establishment, and making crazy, spur-of-the-moment decisions.

Pakowski, sporting a post-sex smile and a set of glamorous shoulder pads.

Neither Fratelli's Bakery or Pearle Vision would confirm or deny allegations of organizing the public encounter between Humphries and Pakowski, although authorities have said that they will not be charging either of the businesses with anything at this time.

Authorities have asked that all homeless people, especially those who are residing at Father Bill's Place, to stay clear of the parking lot at this time, as the mysterious sensual aura the lot has become known for is currently being investigated by a team of local businessmen.

"There's just something sexy about that lot," remarked Matty Hammers, a fly-by-night scientist who once drank sixteen shots of Maker's Mark before his morning jog. "As to the reason why, we're still looking into that. It's funny, though, after all the tax dollars that Mayor Koch dumps into this project, it'll probably just end up being due to the blend of scents given off by industrial-strength eyeglass cleaner and fresh roasted snickerdoodle coffee."


sweden said...

What's this -- Mr. Wilder married! What a shame--My fantasies are ruined!!

Anonymous said...

How do you feel about Donuts n' Donuts closing for good??

Anonymous said...

Oh leave the dam bums alone.....they have feelings too. I think that anybody that gets married in less time than it takes to knock a girl up should have no opinion on this matter!!!!!!

Beak Wilder said...

Bums don't have feelings, Anonymous. Get your facts straight.

DaveyGoodness said...

I won't lie, the smell of Snickerdoodle coffee has led many a Broad St. passerby to engage in fiesty spicy bum sex.