Monday, November 2, 2009

Sparks fly on eve of Election Day as heated mayoral race nears close

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tensions flared this evening as one of the most heated mayoral races this city has ever seen drew to a close at a last-minute debate, which was held at an undisclosed VFW on Broad Street.

Among those in attendance were Mayor Thomas Koch, former mayor Bill Phelan, and approximately two hundred drunken residents, each with something to say.

Incumbent Mayor Thomas Koch, recently sponsored by Papa Gino's, was said to have lost the debate after flying into a fit of rage after realizing that his pizza crust had not been cooked to the golden brown perfection he was used to, resulting in one of the largest, most chaotic riots Quincy has witnessed since Halloween weekend.

"That muthafucka went crazy up in this world," claimed Neal Diamondz, a wicked good kid from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy. "Once he bit into that crust, you could almost feel the air in the room get thicker. Nobody could breathe. It was like an episode of the fuckin' Twilight Zone in there. Shit got weird for a minute. That fat mayor started screaming Madball lyrics and whipping chairs across the room. And then, that red-headed dude who used to be mayor had to hold the fat one back until the cops came. That redhead knew what was up, too. To quote the three hundred and eighty-seventh best rapper of all time, he got all up in his face and was like, 'Fat boy on a diet. Don't try it. I'll check ya ass like a looter in a riot.' It was pretty much the funniest thing I had ever seen. That redhead just grabbed the fat one and started ringing his neck like he was fuckin' Ike Turner."

Stopping for a brief photo op with notorious Quincy gangster, Desmond Brianalli, Diamondz continued. "That debate was the best party I had ever been to. I endorse Bill Phelan. He knows how to man-up and handle a situation."

Brianalli and Diamondz, mugging it up for the camera on a sultry afternoon.

Authorities were dispatched to the undisclosed VFW almost immediately, where they were faced with fierce rioting and the horrible intentions of it's inhabitants. Tear gas was released into the function hall, although this had little, to no, effect on the crowd, as most of those in attendance were already immune.

A special tactical team was then sent in, however, they quickly surrendered to the ensuing madness, as all offensive fighting techniques were immediately mistaken as "sick-as-fuck dance moves," which eventually led up to what was later referred to as "one of the better dance-offs of 2009."

"There was nothing left to do," claimed Officer Nico Haylen, as he attempted to explain why the police department was unable to perform the task at hand. "Our strategy to go after these rioters was very simple. First, we were gonna cut them off, then we were gonna kill them. But it didn't go that way. They were too powerful. That's when I knew we had no other choice. So, I turned to Chuck, and I said, 'Send 'em on their way.' And in went the Whitman girls."

The Whitman girls, still dressed in their Halloween costumes, fucking some dude up.

Armed with nothing but consumed vodka and inherent rage, the Whitman girls were unleashed on the crowd by authorities, where they proceeded to beat the living shit out of anything that even moved. Making their next move, authorities then began pumping Nightstick through the windows at top volume. All through Broad Street, the droning, hypnotic sounds of Weymouth's finest filled the air, causing authorities and criminals alike to drop to their knees in utter fear and confusion.

"That fuckin' music is weird," remarked Heather LeWetone, an aspiring Dunkin' Donuts shift supervisor and director of the direct-to-DVD smash hit, Green Street Hooligans III: Bad Times in Bingtown. "Fuckin' Weymouth, dude. What a bunch of weird people. I don't understand Weymouth. Nobody does. And they never will."

As the festivities then came to a close, a familiar face arrived, causing many in the audience to begin instantly vomiting.

Cheryl "Ruthless Toothless" McShirelle, posing for a most unfortunate camera.

"Everything was fine until Ruthless Toothless showed up," said Ham Dangleton, an all-around wacky guy from the wrong side of the MBTA tracks. "Nobody likes that girl. You can't even get a fucking blowjob from her because of all the partial teeth she has in her head. There ain't a single full tooth in that head, but there's a little bit of each one. It's like no one tooth is willing to die. There's always a little bit of one that sticks around. It's fucking gross."

There is no word yet on the expected outcome of tomorrow's election, nor has there been any word on how long exactly Ruthless Toothless plans on staying in town. The answer to these questions may never be known, although it is expected that the answer to the first question will more than likely be known at some point tomorrow.


KennyQuinn does breakfast said...

I saw what you did, there...

Beak Wilder said...


TomTurkolio said...

What a tough picture to look at, (The Whitman girls whaling away) Pee Sizzle is one of Abington's finest! Hey, like I said, "to say that the Whitman girls are ruthless would be an understatement!"

Shop Ticket Holders said...

trial or six month membership to a gym or 'spa' gym, like Curves or Butterfly Lives. (Yes, that is the actual name of a pseudo Curves 'gym' franchise – do I really want to live the life of a butterfly? I think not.) Sorry, I digress, but my point is an important one. I happen to be 70% physically disabled due to an accident several years ago.