Friday, November 27, 2009

City fucking baffled as North Quincy High School Red Raiders defeat Quincy High School Presidents for first time since invention of football

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

For the first time since the invention of football, the North Quincy High Red Raiders defeated the Quincy High Presidents in the annual Turkey Day game rivalry, causing residents of the city to wonder if any of life's expectancies are guaranteed.

It was and upset victory that shocked the 02169 zip code, as it is historically the only uplifting thing residents of that particular area can count on.

From West Quincy to Germantown, and everywhere in between, fans of the Presidents filled the streets, each of them searching for answers to questions that no one was prepared to answer. It was a bleak and miserable scene, reminiscent of dark and dismal atmosphere which filled the episodes following Bobby Ewing's death on the Lorimar Television production, Dallas. And all throughout the city, the feeling of utter confusion filled the air like an unseen plague sent from the heavens to destroy a community that already had very little morale to spare.

"This is horrible news for everyone," said Jimmy Flynn, a North Quincy High School graduate who realizes all too well that the Turkey Day game is all Quincy High School has. "I feel like I just swallowed gum. The neighborhoods surrounding Quincy High School have very little to look forward to. This game means everything to them. These poor kids have to sit around and watch all the North Quincy High School kids graduate and lead successful lives, all while they sit around and pop pills and die at the age of twenty-three. You take that game away from these kids, they have nothing. Quincy High defeating North Quincy on Thanksgiving has become a natural law of life. When you change something like that, anything goes. There are no more laws, there is no more justice, and the laws of gravity no longer apply. It's a fucking free-for-all out there, and nothing will ever be the same."

Representatives of Quincy High School's football program were unavailable for comment on this matter, however, experts predict their comment would have been something along the lines of, "Dude, are you fucking kidding me?"

Until further notice, authorities have asked all residents of the 02169 zip code to stay at home, take a shitload of OxyContins, and chill the fuck out, making it "business as usual" for all those involved.


Anonymous said...

N.Q.H.S. fucking sucks!

Ronnie said...

You kiss your mother with that mouth??

Beak Wilder said...

Not lately, but that's mostly because she moved to Puerto Rico.