Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Candidates squabble during last-minute bid for votes, Tom Jones somehow involved

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch and former mayor Bill Phelan almost came to blows today in the final hours of what has become one of the most ridiculous mayoral races Quincy has ever had to deal with.

From accusations of overspending, overeating, overtly lying, and improper reporting of overages, both sides of the race have made them all. Whether it be about carpets, belly size, hair color, or something that actually has something to do with the city, no mercy was shown throughout the long and grueling battle that many are glad in drawing to a close.

It was a battle that some have called "a battle that shook the world."

"That was a battle that shook the world," said Mark Doherty, a Dorchester resident who has absolutely nothing to do with the election. "I mean, I've only been to Quincy sixteen times, but, every time I was there, people would be talking about this dude 'Tommy Taxes,' and then this other dude, who I think was nicknamed 'The Red Power Ranger,' and they'd always get all worked up about it. This one time, back when my band used to play Dee Dee's, I saw this one dude spike another dude's Bud Light with thirty-seven hits of Ecstasy, just because he was a Koch supporter. That poor guy was dry humping people's faces all night long. He even ended up on YouTube."

There is no word yet on whether, or not, Doherty's face was dry humped on that fateful night at Dee Dee's Lounge, although expert facial characteristic analyst, Claude Jonestown, believes it was.

"That kid's face definitely got fucked at Dee Dee's," claimed Jonestown, as he awkwardly soothed his nipples with a cranberry-scented moist towelette. "You can tell by the way his right eyeball would rapidly spin in circles every time he talked about that night. Either that or he was on a bunch of shit. Who knows?"

Mayoral candidate Bill "The Red Power Ranger" Phelan and gang, walking a dog to the polls

The confrontation between candidates began at the Dunkin' Donuts on Quincy Shore Drive in the early afternoon, when Koch and Phelan ended up grabbing for the same Great One regular, causing an instant rush of tension to fill the sea-scented air.

Mayor Koch, hungry for the support of his registered voters, then reportedly reached for a nearby cruller and began devouring it in a most hideous manner, screaming, "I win! I'm the mayor! I control everything! It's my turn! I'm takin' it out on you! The world is mine, and no one can take it from me!"

It was at this point that former mayor Bill Phelan began taunting the incumbent, immediately challenging him to a series of wind sprints, quarry jump stunts, and marksmanship games.

"That's when the entire place just started screaming," claimed Silent Mike K., an otherwise quiet individual who was just unable to hold the excitement inside for once. "People were flipping out like it was the Super Bowl. They wanted to see Tommy and Bill go at it, it was clear. They wanted to see a fight. And then that weird thing happened, and nobody in the place even knew what to do, because it was just too weird. And sudden."

What reports say is, at this moment, Darlene Grapefruit, a mother of twelve from Squantum, dropped to the ground and began convulsing like an epileptic freak.

Aside from her exact name, amount of children, and location of residence, all that was known about this woman is that her husband, Ricky Grapefruit, had just gone to a Tom Jones concert seven days prior. And when Darlene Grapefruit's legs spread open, and everyone in the Dunkin' Donuts dropped to their knees in horror, it only further proved the theory that, if you go to a Tom Jones concert, seven days later, Tom Jones crawls out of your wife.

I actually have this exact poster in my room. I'm not even kidding, either.

With complete silence in the establishment, Tom Jones then performed "Sex Bomb" to the confused, yet oddly intrigued, patrons. Whether fat or skinny, no female was exempt from being smothered by the sight of his slippery glances and gyrating hips. It was the kind of thing you picture when you imagine a Sozio Furniture salesman doused in Clubman® brand after shave lotion, as he is unleashed into a crowd only moments after drinking his third consecutive bottle of Stoli Razberi. It was a really disgusting scene.

"It was fucking gross," exclaimed Michael "Mid-Div" Triangle, last in the news after a failed attempt at trying to convince somebody that the Beatles sucked. "Tom Jones was just dancing around and being wicked gross, and he was still covered in bodily fluid. It was horrible. He was fingering people's wives. He was fingering people's teenage daughter's. He even fingered my chicken parm flatbread. I don't even know what happened to Koch and Phelan through this. I think they just snuck out the back door and took off. They left us to deal with Tom Jones. Tom Jones became our responsibility. It was just too much for us to bear---so we burned him---we burned him and that whole building down to the ground. It was exactly what anyone else would have done if they were in our situation. I'm completely sure of that."

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