Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Roxie’s Market exploits obscure legal loophole to operate bizarre business practices

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Famous market and butcher shop, Roxie's Market, a Quincy food industry staple for generations, has exploited an obscure legal loophole in order to conduct strange non-meat-related business, states a new study.

The study, which is part of a year-long investigation conducted by retired private eye and perennial Great Cuts customer, Montgomery Wednesday, was presented via a press conference held this morning at City Hall.

Mr. Wednesday’s allegations include, but are not limited to, backroom freezers containing supercomputers, used primarily to hack into MySpace accounts and "view more pics" of hot girls, a counterfeit operation, in which Clubman® brand after shave is brewed in a sink in the janitor's closet, and piles of what appears to be thousands of rejected homemade scripts to the since-defunct 1984 helicopter show, Airwolf.

As usual, Roxie's Market was unable to comment on this matter, as all employees were too busy chasing shoppers around in an attempt to mark down their already notoriously low prices.

"You must believe me," said Mike Triangle, a spicy little meatball from the Merrymount section of Quincy, and director of the sloppily-titled pornography film, Bukkake Balboa IV: Black to the Future. "There's a lot more to that place than a couple of finely-aged ribeyes and an extensive variety of gourmet deli mustard. I heard there's a guy in the basement that's been working non-stop for the past twelve years, trying to figure out the deeper meaning behind the fact that Slick Rick and Jason Bateman share the same birthday. And it's obvious to me that the same guy who made their neon sign is the guy who made the sign at Sully's. Nothing will ever change my stance on that one. I don't give a fuck what anybody says. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna be buying perishable meat products from a place that has dealings with the likes of Sully's, even if it's an indirect connection. Sully's has to be one of the creepiest bars in the city, and that's saying a lot, because this city is insane. I'll never understand the shit that goes down in Quincy. It's all so puzzling to me."

Mike Triangle, trying to make some sense out of a city that has apparently lost control.

The exact law that Roxie’s Market is using remains unclear, but it is believed to be a city law resulting from the landmark 1912 case of Wooblydoobly v. The City of Quincy. This case stemmed from an argument between Francis Bizmarkie Wooblydoobly and the city of Quincy over Wooblydoobly’s insistence that “any butcher shop within five miles of a cemetery, automobile washing station, and/or a local constabulary has the right to ‘exercise unnatural and/or unnecessary side occupations of any caliber’ within it’s allotted property.”

Strangely enough, it is also on record that Wooblydoobly had never owned a business, let alone a butcher shop, and was simply filing frivolous lawsuits against the city in retaliation for no one believing him about a World War that would erupt only a few years later. Wooblydoobly won the case as all twelve of the jurors, plus the judge, were incredibly drunk.

“It’s amazing what you can learn from historical documents,” remarked Wednesday, as he finished his ninth black coffee of the day. “Those shady meat merchants really dug deep on this one. This law basically allows them to get away with anything. I mean, I saw them feeding hard-boiled eggs to a dog for two straight hours the other day. That’s just ridiculous! I also have reason to believe that the disappearance of local old-timer Alf Nelson is linked to Roxie’s Market. We found receipts in his house for low fat chicken mutton on sale for $2.99/a pound. You can’t beat those prices. Poor bastard's probably melting in a vat of acid in the basement.”

Authorities following up on Mr. Wednesday’s suspicions on the whereabouts of Alf Nelson where relieved to learn that the old fella was not actually rotting away in the basement of Roxie’s, but, in fact, had died peacefully in the parking lot after an unchained pit bull escaped it’s owner’s yard and mauled him to death.

Mr. Nelson’s shattered, mangled corpse will be put to rest care of Lydon Funeral Home. As of now, no display time has been announced, as it is assumed no friends or family will bother to show up.

While the low prices on fresh meat continues unabated, along with a relentless barrage of accommodating workers help shoppers with their every need, there remains to be seen if an end to the increasingly bizarre, non-meat-related antics of Roxie’s will cease. For now, there is simply no better location in Quincy to buy fresh bald eagle sandwiches, download the answers to next years SAT questions, or repair smashed alarm clocks and Toyota Corollas than Roxie’s Market.


Tacky said...

Airwolf was an awesome show.

Beak Wilder said...

I've never seen it, Tacky. But, judging from the information I read on Wikipedia, it sounds right up your alley.

Tacky said...

It is. They show it on the Retro T.V. channel on Saturdays at 7pm. I love me some Ernest Borgnine.

sweden said...

Hey-did you see the Ledger claims Quincy was named the best place in Mass. to raise kids? WHAT DOES THAT SAY AOUT US? I wouldn't have kids any way, just thought it wasinteresting..then again Weymouth was second---THAT makes you wonder..

Beak Wilder said...

No, I actually didn't read that, Sweden. That's hilarious. Maybe they were under the impression that Child World was still around.

slim said...

The only photo I have of Mr. Hatfield's "Hatrack" is in my memory . . . sorry. I bet the reference people at T. Crane could find a picture.

I like the connection you made with the Roxie & Sullys signs. Keep up the great blog . . . haven't seen anything else like it in Q.