Saturday, December 12, 2009

Fat Cat host arrested for inciting mosh pit after being accused of being "too accommodating"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Beloved Fat Cat host, Jeff Hostman, was arrested last night after a riot broke out, which reportedly stemmed from several patrons accusing him of being "too accommodating."

Hostman was last in the news after breathing life back into a dying Sully's patron while retrieving local bad girl, Heather Wilder, and her husband, who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article, for their dinner reservation.

"It was crazy," remarked Johnny Manchego, the Fat Cat's head macaroni taster. "Some guy came up to me and started yelling at me about how Jeff was too accommodating, and how he should be a little less helpful, like the waitresses at McKay's in South Quincy. And then a few other customers started complaining to me about the same thing. As to why they were complaining to me, I'm not sure. All I do is taste macaroni. But, either way, Jeff overheard them, and that was about all she wrote. He went over to the iPod and created the sickest Madball playlist I could ever imagine and just started tearing shit up."

Making his way through the crowd of unsuspecting patrons, Hostman devastated all those who crossed his path with a vicious blend of "windmill" and "picking-up-change" dance moves.

Hearing the familiar sound of Madball's "Face to Face," regulars from Sully's Lounge began to make their way over to the Fat Cat, most of them for the first time ever.

"I love New York hardcore music," remarked Cole Sanka, a man who once tried to hook up with his own cousin a record-breaking sixteen times before finally being slapped. "I'm not really into all that fancy food they have over at the Fat Cat, though. You give me a room temperature Bud Light and a ham and cheese on Wonder bread, and I'm good to go. I don't know about you, but I'm not about to waste valuable drinking money on a rib eye steak when Sully's has a baked stuffed clam special for two bucks. Irregardless, when I heard that Madball song blasting through those speakers, I ran right over and straight up stage dove off the front set of tables and just started crowd surfing my way to the bathroom."

Cole Sanka, crowd surfing his way to the bathroom, where he eventually passed out.

Authorities were then dispatched to the Fat Cat, where reports of an unauthorized Madball show were pouring in at record speeds.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I was down the street at Tully's," he said. "Just making sure things were going smoothly. I had already unloaded three rounds from my police-issued 9mm, and I knew that I was already gonna be filling out paperwork for weeks. So, needless to say, I was not in the mood to fuck around. Then, I get this report of a Madball show happening up the street, so I figure I'll check it out real quick and relieve some tension. You can imagine how pissed I was when I found out it was just Madball playing on an iPod. I grabbed the first dude I could and took his head clean off with my own personal
8" barrel Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum Model 686 Silhouette, and then I just joined the crowd."

After three more songs and twelve police officers who also chose to live by the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" way of thinking, authorities were eventually able to subdue the crowd. Hostman was arrested and charged with inciting a mosh pit, using outdated hardcore dance moves, and being too accommodating.

Jeff Hostman, lookin' a little rougher than usual after the sick-as-fuck mosh pit.

"My client has done nothing wrong," barked Sol Shrewdman, Hostman's on-call attorney, last in the news after convincing a judge to close down the Jury Room, as they technically had no jury members on their staff. "My client is a man of the people. What other restaurant in Quincy will allow you to drink beers in one of the sketchiest bars in the city while you wait to be seated, and then actually walk over to get you when your table is ready? If anything, my client should be filing a suit against the people who accused him of being too accommodating. The people of this city should consider themselves lucky to have a host like Jeff Hostman."

Fat Cat owner Kyle Nealy was unavailable for comment on this article, as he reportedly passed out cold after completing a mind-numbing seven hundred and thirty consecutive work days with no break.

As usual, the Fat Cat will be offering free rib eye steaks to anyone who wears a Madball shirt in their establishment, however, have asked that all patrons please refrain from hardcore dancing until they have completed construction for their lower level hardcore club, The Fat Cat After Dark.


Anonymous said...

Could you pleez stop with the Fat Cat Talk?????? My tongue is hanging down to the floor for some Mac n Cheese........hey, what's the grain of the day?

Anonymous said...

Black Bean Butter with Cornbread..........sweet Mother of Pearl...................