Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mayor Koch removes speed limits on Newport Avenue, unveils Newport Autobahn

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Following advice from German investors, Mayor Thomas Koch has unveiled his long rumored Newport Autobahn Project. Formerly known to reporters only through smuggled documents labeled “Operation Faster, Furious-er & Safer: Wollaston Drift,” the long rumored motorway project was unleashed on the public today during an outdoor ceremony held in the Wendy’s parking lot on Newport Avenue.

By removing all speed limits, street signs, and rules, the mayor and his newly formed Department of Make Things Way Faster (DMTWF) hopes to create an altogether more enjoyable driving experience on the brand new four-lane superhighway.

“Break out the champagne, Quincy!” screeched the mayor’s aide and newly hired head of the DMTWF, Jeffo Brian. “Long has this city needed a much, much, much faster and more enjoyable way to get from one end of Quincy to the other. By examining footage of the German Autobahn, famous for being the playground of the rich and famous, as well as it’s wicked insane car crashes that leave almost no one alive, and by having a team of researchers watch The Fast and the Furious and The French Connection---back to back, at least twice---we have done it. The Newport Autobahn will begin directly outside the Wendy's in Wollaston and end somewhere near the Monadnock Mountain Spring Water bottling plant next to the Quincy Adams train station. Trust me, this shit is gonna be fucking insane.”

A question-and-answer period then followed the ceremony. “It was just easier to take the signs down at night,” the mayor responded when asked as to why there was absolutely no warning about this extreme change in traffic laws. “Our last meeting ended in a session of heavy drinking at Malachy’s, and we all ran out and started ripping the signs down ourselves. We figured that, since we had already started, we might as well finish.” As to the seemingly arbitrary location of the beginning and end of the superhighway, Jeffo Brian advised that this had already been taken into careful consideration. “Yes, it seems strange to start and end in those places,” he admitted. “But preliminary tests have shown that people love Wendy’s, and now you can just tear right out of the drive-thru and make it to the southbound highway in, like, one minute. Think about that---that’s insane!

Closer examination of the blueprints, however, scrawled hastily on the back of a flyer for a long-since-past Disengaged show at the now defunct Dee Dee’s Lounge, show that the original scope of the project was originally much larger.

“Yeah, we had some budget issues,” Brian announced. “There was gonna be this nasty jump near the John Adams mansion where, if you timed it just right, you could launch over the train tracks and cut over to Hancock Street. It would’ve saved a lot of time for morning commuters. Also, Skip in the accounting department had an idea for a totally unnecessary ‘loop-de-loop’ at the intersection of Newport and Beale. Thing would have cost about forty billion dollars, but it looked sick on the drawing he made. We’re not ruling out these ideas just yet, but we’ll have to wait for next year’s budget. There's only so much money to go around, you know?”

Wasting little time, the mayor and his aides cut the red ribbon, officially opening up the speedway amidst scattered applause. “He who dares!” Koch yelled, all while taking sips of his complimentary Wendy’s Frosty. “Survival of the fittest!” followed Brian. Unfortunately, the day was not without tragedy, as Jeffo Brian, while testing the project for the very first time, was killed when his car spiraled out of control and collided into 245 Newport Ave in a flaming wreck.

As is standard protocol for any Quincy city official, an autopsy was performed immediately after the remains of Jeffo Brian were found. First hand reports indicate that speed, coupled with a careless disregard for the laws of physics, lack of a driver's license, and an absolute mind-blowing amount of champagne and Frosty’s contributed to his death.


Anonymous said...

I have a love/hate relationship with 245 Newport Ave.

Beak Wilder said...

What could you possibly hate about it? It was ground zero for rented movies and "#2...Go Larges" from Wendy's!