Friday, June 12, 2009

Notorious late-night Facebook "poker" raises eyebrows, creeps out every girl in Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

An infamous user of the popular Facebook internet social networking website has created a stir of controversy in Quincy lately with his ruthless after-hours “poking” of other users.

It all started last weekend when Jimmy Babble, a gas station attendant from Hough's Neck, reportedly "poked" over a hundred Quincy girls in a one hour period, just after getting home from a night of J├Ągerbombs at the Hofbrau, making it the largest mass-poking Quincy has seen since the last time Neal Diamondz drank Red Bull and vodka.

I don't even know the kid that well," commented Lauren Quinnakid, a lifelong Burger King employee from Wollaston Hill. "He sent me a friend request a while back because he fingered some girl I knew in the Murphy's bathroom one night and then made me give him a ride home. Other than that, I don't know the kid from a fucking hole in the wall. Either way, there's really no reason why I should have to deal with signing onto Facebook this morning to find out that he poked me twenty-three times at the ass-crack of dawn."

Trish “The Dish” Delaney, a seventeen-year-old single mother from Germantown, was also visibly shaken by Babble’s online antics. “I logged onto Facebook last night to create a profile for my baby boy who’s due next month. I’ma name him Eminem Marshall Delaney, right? But I log in and this creep has poked me fourteen times in one night. What the heck, right? Dude is mad sketchy, but I can tell by his shades he might have a few bucks, so I poked him back. You never know, baby’s gotta eat, right?”

Other complaints continued to pour in throughout the day, giving the hardworking moderators of Facebook a run for their money. And after all front doors were locked, and all blinds drawn, there was nothing left for the female population of Quincy to do but wait.

"It's a scary world we live in," remarked Desiree Anthony, a die-hard Deadwood fan from Quincy Point. "You get these kids who are too shy to ever say anything to you in person, and then, before you know it, they're poking you on Facebook while you sleep. On behalf of every girl in Quincy, I feel pretty creeped out. It's good to know that people can't even sleep without getting violated online. I'll probably start using MySpace a little more now, to say the least. Dudes are disgusting"

While local police are powerless to stop Babble from accessing the internet due to his bizarre ability to always find free wi-fi hotspots, the social networking site's founder and CEO, Safo Face, has issued a statement that his account has been deactivated, and he will no longer be able to participate in their service. “What’s up now, dude?” stated Mr. Face after minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Although this drastic measure has spelled relief for most of the female populace, others were disheartened to learn that the poking has not ceased. Literally minutes after his account was deactivated, Babble was spotted creeping around in the shadows of Bad Abbots Irish Pub in Quincy Center, poking girls in the back with a piece of wood he acquired in the parking lot. Unfortunately, no further charges could be brought against him as this was considered perfectly normal behavior by the jaded bar staff.


Neal said...

That is wicked creepy!! Who pokes people on FaceBook anyway?? I sure don't !!

dink said...

The "poke" feature scares and intrigues me.

Anonymous said...

I have been touring the country and among the missing......anyone miss me???? Anyway I was in Circleville Ohio at a wedding and this armpit is poking chicks out there, too!!! I suspect he will be taking his annoying habit abroad since he is getting such heavy press in Quincy. Good job boys!!!!! Now maybe some Quincy chicks can get a good nights sleep

sweden said...

Facebook,texting,blogging,poking-it leaves everything to the receiver,you put your emotions, if any, into it and never really know what the sender was thinking. A poke could be anything-perversion,fun,mean-too serious huh--