Friday, June 12, 2009

Socialist fucks threaten to infiltrate Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Dora Lalaney

In this developing story, Dora Lalaney, a part-time nanny with over a thousand hours confirmed spent at "The Rock" in Squantum, has brought to our attention the possibility of a socialist infiltration in Quincy.

The public meeting, which is to be held on Monday, June 15th, will take place at the Thomas Crane Public Library, and is rumored to consist of nothing more than vague ideas and intense brainwashing, all resulting in a well blended mix of laughter and the overall sensation of wasting your time.

"I didn't even know what to think," said Lalaney, as she instinctively burped another woman's baby. "I mean, I'm not too crazy into politics, but I know that socialism doesn't work. I don't think Quincy kids are gonna be too receptive to this, to be honest. I can't really say I am either. The thing that bothered me the most was the fact that they're gonna offer free child care during the meeting. It's shit like that puts nannies like me out of business, so, right off the bat, it's already fucking me where it hurts---my pocket book. They're off to a bad start, that's for sure. Seriously though, if this article makes the Scally, you should really tell the people that all they have to do is click the pictures to enlarge them. I know it sounds stupid, but there's actually been a few people that haven't realized that. A lot of the pictures on the website could be so much larger if people just clicked on them."

As to the upcoming event, the Quincy Scallion urges all those attending to beware of false promises and stupid ideas, although still believes in every resident's right to obtain more information. We are so confident, in fact, that we are actually urging every single resident to go and see for themselves what an absolute catastrophe socialism in Quincy would be. Seriously, think about it for a while---nothing would get done---there would be no incentive to try. Quincy is a city that thrives off of the fact that each person, street, neighborhood, section, and zip code believes that it is better than the others. We live to outdo each other, and, when we do, we love nothing more than to shove it into the faces of those who lost. If you take that away from Quincy, you might as well take away everything, because this city was built on competition, and that is why Quincy is the greatest place in the world.


Anonymous said...

Nick has these meetings all the time. My mom goes sometimes.

sweden said...

Hey-Quincy's the greatest city in the world because of us--we believe in the friends we grew up with, even if they are troubled,we understand---it could have been us.I'm having a bad night-sorry

Beak Wilder said...

Sweden is in a spicy mood tonight!