Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Trigger-happy cop causes massive pile up on Route 3A, blames diabetes yet again

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Officer Nico Haylen, diabetic cop, most famous for his ability to always make the wrong decision when it counts the most, is yet again in the spotlight after causing a massive pile up on Route 3A. The accident, which occurred during a high speed chase that was initiated by the diabetic himself, left three citizens wounded, one of which is still in critical condition.

Since his beginnings with law enforcement, Haylen, a two-month veteran of the department, has been accused of an overabundance of miscellaneous counts of negligence and overly aggressive abuse of power. Adding on to the existing accusations, adversaries and detractors of Haylen's "loose cannon methods" are now claiming the diabetic has yet again put the public in unnecessary danger, and are calling for his immediate termination from civil service of any form.

The accident, which occurred this morning at approximately 4:38AM, happened just after Haylen passed three Middle Eastern men in an early nineties Buick Riviera, at which point the hyperglycemia-ridden officer allegedly engaged in a high speed chase with the vehicle, eventually running it off the road and flipping it over in front of the Granite Lock Co. on Southern Artery, damaging at least six other vehicles.

Sol Shrewdman, Haylen's on-call attorney, wasted no time defending his client. "Here they go again," he remarked. "Once again, nobody can just mind their own business and go about their day. That would just be too easy, now wouldn't it? Everybody has to add their two cents, don't they? My client has committed no crime, none whatsoever. From my understanding, my client's blood sugar was dangerously low. So dangerous, in fact, that he probably could have died, or even lost a foot. My client is an officer of the law, he needs his feet. These are just a few of the facts, no embellishments, no tomfoolery, just plain and simple facts. He was driving down Route 3A, protecting and serving like he should have been, at which point he spotted three Middle Eastern men in the same vehicle---not one, not two---but three of them. And they were obviously up to no good, if you don't mind me saying. See what I'm saying? Am I right? What were they doing together, why were they driving around so early, what were their intentions? Am I the only one here that remembers two buildings falling to the ground? Open your eyes, people, this is the world we're living in. I ask the public to shut their eyes and picture what could have happened had my client not been there to stop it. No man should be persecuted for preventing what very well may have been the largest scale terror attack Quincy has ever seen---nobody. It's a complete injustice."

Shortly after the accident, Officer Haylen was admitted to Quincy Medical Center, where his blood sugar levels passed with flying colors. Approximately one hour later, Haylen exited the building by way of the media, using a hospital wheelchair, which, according to doctors, was entirely unnecessary. There is no update yet on the status of the man left in critical condition, nor has Haylen or his attorney made any comment on the fact that all three men were deemed to be of Italian decent.


sweden said...

At least he didn't hit any moms and kids @ Walmart-

Beak Wilder said...

I wouldn't necessarily rule that out for Officer Nico Haylen. He's got a few more tricks up his sleeve.